Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Where’s Whittie?

Missing Student

Gender: a spectrum
Race: Caucasian
DOB: 06/24/94
Age Now: LEGAL
Missing From: Olin Hall
Height: 5’6”
Weight: 130 lbs
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown; medium length

A first-year student went missing on Thursday. Security compiled a report as follows:

The student (of unspecified gender) was last seen at 11 a.m. wandering Olin Hall. Friends of the student say that they had a class in Olin East. The student was last seen wearing a blue V-neck shirt, a blue North Face jacket, a gray knit hat, jeans and brown wool socks with Birkenstocks. The student was also carrying a Jansport backpack with a Klean Kanteen and climbing shoes.

More specific information about the student to aid in their recovery includes:

A love of the outdoors, climbing, slack-lining, doing yoga, playing guitar, riding bicycles, going to the wheat fields, thrift shopping at Goodwill, eating at the Patisserie and Graze, traveling to foreign countries and doing “service work,” and eating brunch. They think Transformations, or Encounters, or Core, or whatever they call it now is “cool in theory.” This student claims that they do not read Whitman Encounters. This student identifies as a “generous 3” on the Kinsey Scale, has liberal political views, finds themselves dissatisfied with the current government and does not see any issues with socialism. They love the song “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes and also all a cappella interpretations. They love a cappella.

It is likely the student left early for a weekend trip to Portland, Seattle or Mt. Hood, but these rumors are unconfirmed. Some reports have indicated that this student is only one of many who have seemingly disappeared in the pursuit of Olin East. Conspiracy theories abound, suggesting the presence of a black hole or Bermuda Triangle area in the wind tunnel. If you have any information concerning this student’s disappearance, please contact security immediately.

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