Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Yerba Mate is Not Your Friend


My first encounter with this strange plot occurred this year at Jewett Hall, investigating the strange arsenic poisonings many students fell victim to after eating too many peach pits. While sitting at one of the circle tables alone, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Before I could turn, a British-sounding voice asked me, “Do you have any herb mate?”

Confused, I looked at the student, a tall male, hardly seeming like the kind of person who would partake in “herb.” I just shook my head and he left me alone, but not before sadly looking at a strange yellow canister sitting by the coffee.

The mysterious appearance of yerba mate canisters across campus puzzled many students. Private investigators overheard students saying, “Were coffee and tea not good enough?”

With recent accusations of Bon Appétit putting massive amounts of salt in their food, it becomes apparent that we have two pieces of a sinister puzzle. Just like in “Curious George,” the missing piece lies in the bellies of all the first-years and women’s fraternity girls that “Bon App” uses for their insidious plot.

After hiring a team of investigators to get to the bottom of Bon App’s scheming, it has been revealed that Bon Appétit is secretly running a bootlegging operation.

“No one eats at Lyman, and Jewett is right next door. Why do they have it?” said one insightful student in a series of interviews conducted by the investigative team. Obviously, Lyman Dining Hall is being used as the headquarters of Bon Appétit’s operations.

According to the law of parsimony, the simplest answer is always the correct one. It makes absolutely no sense why Whitman allows the pastry bar to exist with Whitman students’ healthy tendencies. Clearly Bon Appétit is using the fermenting properties of yerba mate to create the perfect environment within students’ bodies to react to the sugars of the pastries to create alcohol. The salt within Bon App’s food encourages students to drink more water, or, ideally, more yerba mate, speeding up the process. Jewett Hall’s bathrooms then pipe all the alcohol into large collection vats housed in Lyman where the alcohol is bottled and distributed under the name Monarch.

Information is power, and being blind and not recognizing the facts is one of the greatest sins a human being can engage in. Think about Augustine and remember that ignorance is evil. Do not be blind. Look for the conspiracies all around you.

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