More sensually invasive than TKE’s blaring of Top Guns soundtrack every year, the smell of food cooking from the Inter-fraternal Iron Chef competition wafts over every corner of campus.

Held annually on the roof of TKE, the four fraternity’s chefs as well as one representative from Bon Appétit face off in a cook-to-the-death competition. Each chef is allowed one student aide. This year, TKE chef Gary “Jack” Daniel and his kitchen aide Joey Cathcart say that they are preparing homestyle cooking for the contest.

“It would really help if we could have real ovens up here, and not these solar ovens! Whitman’s greenness is really not helping us live up to our full cooking potential,” said Cathcart.

Ironically, last year’s competition left dozens of students green in the face, due to the solar oven’s inability to properly cook meat.

Phi Delta Theta’s Chef Robert and his aide Alex Hello busily prepare for their meal, scrambled eggs with a secret red sauce that they call Sir-ee-acha, which is apparently Chinese for pepper and MSG.

Two years ago, before last year’s food poisoning fiasco, Bon Appétit’s chef swept the competition with a delicious onion omelet.

“The eggs weren’t even eggs, they were from a carton, and I think that onion had mold on it,” said Chef Robert, enraged with the judge’s decision.

Bon Appétit’s chef this year is on his guard, buying only the freshest ingredients to ensure that no slights can be made against him.

“We will be making Mashed F-ing Potatoes this year,” said Chef Gary, “and maybe some herbed f––ing rice while we’re at it.”

With the competition underway, this reporter need only sit and wait while the solar ovens heat up all the necessary ingredients and the campus anxiously looks to see which chef will win and make their fraternity the top frat on campus.