Whitman’s Yellow Bike Program, maybe the most used program on campus, is at risk for shutting the school down.

This program, in which students check out yellow spray-painted bikes as easily as they can check out a book, allows students to get downtown in a stunning three minutes instead of seven minutes by foot.

However, what most students do not know is that this program is a blatant ripoff of the same program by ingenious inventor China. The Chinese government is insisting that Whitman “spray the bikes red, or risk a massive lawsuit.” Estimates put the potential settlement at about $11 trillion.

“It’s almost genius; with one fell swoop we will make Whitman a red state or they will risk doubling their debt,” said China’s leader, the recumbent bike-sitting cat, Chairman Meow, between coughing up hairballs.

Perhaps more strange than the ominous threat of China’s lawsuit are the disappearing bikes around campus. With reports of strange men dressed “as townies” walking around the exteriors of dormitories at night, it is clear to this reporter that Whitman seems to be stealing students’ bikes for their own insidious purposes.

ASWC’s Politburo member Germany Howell––bearing a striking resemblance to late philosopher Karl Marx––was quoted as saying, “With the rising tuition rates, some students can barely afford a bike. We just spray-paint them and act like they were nobody’s. Consider what we do redistribution.”

It seems, then, that beyond the lawsuit, China’s threat is far greater than anyone could have imagined. With Marxist ideals slowly sleeping into what China calls “the Whitman Commune,” I see the dominos already beginning to fall. Something must be done.

In response to the need for action, two English majors, juniors Colin “Powell” Briton and Woodrow “Wilson” Yacobson, leaders of the campus’ political action group the Rough Writers, put forth this solution: “The only hope Whitman has is to build a series of underground tunnels to repel whatever Engels the thieves are working in stealing our bikes. With the name of CoHo recently having been changed to Communist Housing, we implore all of you to join us in our fight for freedom before it’s too late! Remember, we want our books read, not red!”