Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

The four-day legend

As students trickled back onto campus following the recent four-day break, so did stories of adventures and wondrous escapades. Yet one rather awesome, some might even say legendary, tale must be put in a league of its own, apart from the more blithe ventures.

It began as most four-day jaunts do, with a couple of overconfident but ” underappreciated” students who sought to desperately mimic the antics and experiences of the guys in “The Hangover.” What makes this story different (and remarkable) is that Alex “Big Dick” Schneider, Peter “Pickle” Madison and Taylor “Man-Taters” Jones actually followed through with their “Hangover” idea.

While details are still a bit obscure due to students’ efforts of not wanting to concern administration, what can be discerned is what started as your typical cumbersome trip to Seattle for the “three cabrilleros,” as they called themselves, ended in bamboozling mystery. As the story goes, on their first night in the Emerald City the three amigos bungee-jumped off the Space Needle, got laid in the Ferris Wheel and after getting split up, each found a gentle homeless man to sleep next to for warmth.

What happened the next morning is still being disputed, but evidently “Big Dick” Alex eloped with the entire national women’s Brazilian volleyball team after their international friendly match with the United States in Seattle. Peter apparently seized an opportunity to search for, tame and train Siberian tigers to perform personally for animal enthusiast and clinically deranged Russian President Vladimir Putin.

And as for Taylor’s fate, nothing can be known for certain, but rumors are circulating that he was last seen getting into a limousine near the sketchy Rainier Beach area with Whoopi Goldberg, Jay-Z, Stanley Tucci, Kate Middleton and, reportedly, President George Bridges.

As more evidence of the recent events leaks out, tension and awe have spread around campus. Some students are advocating for a statue of the three legendary students to be put up in front of ┬áMemorial Hall, while others are anxiously wondering why Jay-Z and Stanley Tucci haven’t opened a designer clothing line yet and if there could be a more awesome combination of people to disappear with.

When the Backpage asked to meet with President Bridges, we were sent an automated email response explaining that the President was away on an indefinite leave of absence for “personal reasons.”

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