Attack of the clones

Zach Gordy

With the Backpage’s amazing journalistic team revealing scandal after scandal this year, the school is threatening to close down The Pioneer for fear of future embarrassment. However, a journalist’s job is not done until every last bit of news is reported on and revealed to the public.

Last Friday while going on my daily meander across campus, I came upon what looked like two identical people toting large camping backpacks, unkempt “just woke up” hair and Phi Delta Theta shirts. At first I did not think much of it, but upon closer examination, I realized that they were in fact exactly identical. I decided to investigate.

Snooping around the science building, I discovered a strange pair of vats. Using my great knowledge of computers, I was able to open them, and what I discovered might shake the very foundation of the school and will definitely get The Pioneer shut down.

Inside the vats were two females, who upon seeing me gave me identical smiles. Their shirts were imprinted with the strange letters KKG. Perhaps some sort of serial identification number? Upon looking at the clock behind my head, they discovered it was time for “Game of Thrones” and ran towards Prentiss.

What is this insidious cloning that Whitman seems to be behind? Is the Office of Admission trying to cut down on the amount of work it has to do as Whitman climbs the college social ladder? Or is Whitman trying to perpetuate its image as an outdoorsy, bed-headed school? After all, what’s more indicative of cloning than seeing the same person three times a day while strolling across campus?

A lengthy interview with undercover informant Peppersuren Byambasuren (“Pepper,” for short) informed me of the devastating truth: Whitman does not even care about getting a diverse student body like they claim.

“[Whitman wants] a bunch of outdoorsy people who are genetically engineered to smile 99 percent more of the time than they frown. The only way to ensure this happens is to make clones of the perfect male and perfect female. For the male we picked specimen Dhavan Queue,” said Pepper. “We’re still looking for the perfect female, however.”

If Whitman manages to do this task, we will quickly surpass Stanford as the most pretentious school on the West Coast.