The disturbing influences of Gangnam Style

Tabor Martinsen

A recent study done by a bunch of overly enthusiastic teenage YouTubers from around the world has revealed that the music video for “Gangnam Style” is in fact a realistic portrayal of everyday South Korea. More disturbingly, however, is what the YouTube “researchers” are referring to as “the Gangnam Style effect.”

Essentially, once a listener has heard the song (voluntarily or involuntarily), multiple symptoms start to take effect. First, the infected listener becomes spellbound by the song and listens to it more often than the White House listened to “99 Problems” after Bin Laden was killed.

Next, the unfortunate Gangnam Victim (as they are known) is led to believe that they are a chubby, adorable Korean man with funny sunglasses and no swagger. This dangerous illusion causes victims to dress in pastel-colored suits, overwhelm their hair with gel or some kind of sticky lubricant and limit their use of English to “Oopan Gangnam Style,” “Eh, sexy lady,” and “Bebe bebe.” The final and most horrifying effect on the infected listener is their insistent need to share or challenge strangers to participate in an odd dance routine that weakly resembles a cowboy holding onto the reins of a horse followed by a feeble attempt to do push-ups in between the legs of the terrified stranger.

The poor victims usually choose crowded public spaces to confront others to partake in their insanity. But wait! It gets much, much worse. Recent investigations by the Backpage have found that not only is Whitman teeming with Gangnam Victims, but they have spread to every level of the college. One trembling first-year student noted that he knew about a kid from North Hall who tragically heard the song playing from a distant car and in just a mere two hours all of North had been reduced to a bunch of “sunglass-wearing, Korean-sounding, cowboy-dancing buffoons.” When President Bridges was asked how he planned  to stop this Gangnam Style invasion, he stood up from his desk with a glazed expression, put one hand on his hip and the other above his head as if holding a lasso and sadly began to lumber from side to side as he sang, “EEEHHHHH, SEXY LADY” rather abrasively.