Despite notching another successful year of buying friends through the fraternity recruitment process, the Interfraternity Council (IFC) has moved to change the structure of recruitment for years to come.
“The current system offers the first-years too much choice,” said IFC Vice President Marshall Davis. “We want to take the variability of choice out of the equation.”
The new equation is designed to place first-years where they belong, rather than where they want to be. To do so, the fraternities pooled together all of their money and the crayon-drawn “Beta Bucks” that President Zach Johnston uses. After spending the majority of their money on candy, the fraternities bought a hat at Goodwill that is alleged to have sorting powers.
“It doesn’t look like much,” said Phi Delta Theta president Andy Falcon, confessing about the tattered headwear over a piping-hot plate of brotherhood. “It was incredibly successful in the trials we did last week, though.”
Testing of the sorting hat began on goldfish from the Hall of Science, most of which were determined to be Sigma Chi members. After the animal testing created an uproar in the Whitman community, the fraternities shifted to testing on independent students.
Gathered in the great Jewett Dining Hall, students watched the first human trial with great anticipation. First-year Harry Frotter walked boldly up to the hat with only one thought in his mind: “Anywhere but TKE … Anywhere but TKE.”
Although the hat thought Harry could have been great in Tau Kappa Epsilon, it conceded that he was a better fit in Phi Delta Theta.
Despite only seeing a small sample size, the hat’s decision pleased the Greek community greatly.
“If he’s not a Phi, then I don’t know what a Phi is,” said President Chrandrews of Tau Kappa Epsilon, adding that although he looks forward to peeing on his lawn, the first-year was “not [his] Frotter.”
The optimism for a more efficient system than the sheep-herding ways of the past has the Greek system abuzz. The women’s fraternity system has even been perusing magic mirrors on Craigslist, and the Pan-Hellenic group has started an agency to protect the sheltered ignorance of the “Muggle community.”
