Varsity Nordic is one of the most beloved organizations on campus, even though they have often been shrouded in controversy. Many have theorized that the change from the name “Theater Sports” to “Varsity Nordic” did not just coincidentally happen around the exact same time that the Whitman varsity skiing team (also known as Varsity Nordic) got disbanded. Many, including myself, have wondered just what exactly Varsity Nordic is up to. So I decided to determine this once and for all by doing a little investigative journalism. I went undercover and posed as a fan at their recent 24-hour performance “for charity” that occurred last Friday through Saturday. What follows is a journal of my experiences.

5:30 p.m. – They’ve started by introducing themselves and saying that they’ll be playing some games. Yeah, I suppose it was just “fun and games” that led to thousands of poor Whitman students no longer being able to ski and fulfill their dreams.

5:50 p.m. – It is already apparent that they have no plan or prior knowledge of what they will do.  They seem to make things up willy-nilly as they go along. Just who exactly are these people?

7:00 p.m. – I can see why so many people are fans of Varsity Nordic.  They seem to be pleasant and kind. They are charismatic and, more importantly, funny. Oftentimes I have found myself laughing out loud at one of their clever puns or observations. Other times I have almost laughed, but not quite, though I still found their antics humorous. Certainly the majority of the time I have found myself entranced by their constant barrage of new material. It is like watching a movie or a TV show that simply won’t end. Maybe I was wrong to suspect them . . .

11:00 p.m. – After several hours of watching them play their “improv” games, many of which are surprisingly similar, it has become clear that they have exhausted their relatively minute repertoire of performance forms. Some of these games have now been played so many times that I’ve lost count.  I certainly feel sorry for all of the audience members who stay for the whole show.

3:00 a.m. – I am the only one left; I am all alone. I now realize that I am the only audience member who will stay for the whole show.

5:00 a.m. – They know I am the only one out there. Their scenes get longer and darker. Many of them have begun to reveal their true form and are now hibernating onstage. I too, have begun to lose my strength. I don’t know if I will be able to hold on. Why are carrots so funny right now?

12:30 p.m. – Something has happened; something is definitely going on. One of them turned into me. They turned into me! They were playing a game and someone said they should be me and then they were me and one of them guessed that it was me. Do they have cloning technology?

2:00 p.m. – Everything is funny. Shoes, hookworms, of course.

5:00 p.m. – I am starting to hallucinate things. I can’t be sure of anything. What have they done to me? The audience has returned; I think they may have been here for some time now. Can they be warned or is it too late?

5:30 p.m. – It’s over; it’s finally over.  “Will you be my friend” seems like it can only be a question unless you’re talking to someone named Will. They sold some empty pizza boxes and it’s over. I think. Maybe. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. The sunlight burns.