Your finals essay vocab guide

Tabor Martinsen

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With finals just around the corner, it is always helpful to try and impress your professors one last time. Here, at your disposal, is a list of words/phrases that can possibly increase your grade by up to five percent if used correctly. Whether it’s in a class discussion, oral presentation or lab report, these words are guaranteed to help. The examples below are shown in the context of giving a presentation on the functionality of snails.   On the left-hand side are props points awarded if you can seamlessly or casually slip in these words. (+10 bonus points if you speak in a magniloquent British accent when using the following words.)

3 pts.  Venerable  How to use it: The male snail has a  venerable work ethic, so as to support his family.

6 pts. Fictitious How to use it: Although most experts agree that flying snails are fictitious, recent photographs from the Amazon Basin that depict a winged snail in flight have many second-guessing.

7 pts. Insidious How to use it:  If trapped, the snail will stare at its predator with its  insidious, bright, orb-like eyes until the threat has subsided.

8 pts.  Ubiquitous  How to use it: Some argue that if   snails were ubiquitous, world peace would reign.

9 pts. Flaccid  How to use it: Snails can be wild and flaccid  creatures when provoked.

10 pts. Fetid    How to use it:  Snails’   flatulencies are often described as being fetid  or malodorous.

13 pts. Dilapidated How to use it: Although media has popularized the notion that all snails are as cute as the renowned “Marcel the Shell,” the truth is that most snails deteriorate into a decrepit and dilapidated mess shortly after they are born.

25 pts. Fornicate/defecate :  Every snail culture respects elders, and adolescent snails are taught from a young age not to fornicate or defecate in the presence of a revered  septuagenarian.

28 pts. Proboscis How to use it:  The proboscis of a snail is nonexistent, but unfortunately the same cannot be said for Steve Carell. (Bonus points for using Steve Carell’s name).

30 pts. Cul-de-sac   How to use it: Until recently most experts believed that a snail’s natural habitat was the Serengeti, but the fact that a contingent of snails has mysteriously flocked and resettled in friendly suburban culs-de-sac around the world has many questioning where they truly thrive.

50 pts. Post-coitus How to use it: Like human males, most male snails do not enjoy  post-coitus cuddling.  

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