Your finals essay vocab guide

Tabor Martinsen

With finals just around the corner, it is always helpful to try and impress your professors one last time. Here, at your disposal, is a list of words/phrases that can possibly increase your grade by up to five percent if used correctly. Whether it’s in a class discussion, oral presentation or lab report, these words are guaranteed to help. The examples below are shown in the context of giving a presentation on the functionality of snails.   On the left-hand side are props points awarded if you can seamlessly or casually slip in these words. (+10 bonus points if you speak in a magniloquent British accent when using the following words.)

3 pts.  Venerable  How to use it: The male snail has a  venerable work ethic, so as to support his family.

6 pts. Fictitious How to use it: Although most experts agree that flying snails are fictitious, recent photographs from the Amazon Basin that depict a winged snail in flight have many second-guessing.

7 pts. Insidious How to use it:  If trapped, the snail will stare at its predator with its  insidious, bright, orb-like eyes until the threat has subsided.

8 pts.  Ubiquitous  How to use it: Some argue that if   snails were ubiquitous, world peace would reign.

9 pts. Flaccid  How to use it: Snails can be wild and flaccid  creatures when provoked.

10 pts. Fetid    How to use it:  Snails’   flatulencies are often described as being fetid  or malodorous.

13 pts. Dilapidated How to use it: Although media has popularized the notion that all snails are as cute as the renowned “Marcel the Shell,” the truth is that most snails deteriorate into a decrepit and dilapidated mess shortly after they are born.

25 pts. Fornicate/defecate :  Every snail culture respects elders, and adolescent snails are taught from a young age not to fornicate or defecate in the presence of a revered  septuagenarian.

28 pts. Proboscis How to use it:  The proboscis of a snail is nonexistent, but unfortunately the same cannot be said for Steve Carell. (Bonus points for using Steve Carell’s name).

30 pts. Cul-de-sac   How to use it: Until recently most experts believed that a snail’s natural habitat was the Serengeti, but the fact that a contingent of snails has mysteriously flocked and resettled in friendly suburban culs-de-sac around the world has many questioning where they truly thrive.

50 pts. Post-coitus How to use it: Like human males, most male snails do not enjoy  post-coitus cuddling.