Dear Editor,

I am writing to you in response to a recent article in the school paper, I think you call it The  Pioneer or something. Anyways, I just wanted to counter what the Backpage article was saying about how people are reading the paper. I don’t know a single person who reads this monstrosity! It’s an eyesore in my opinion. I only read it out of pity for all that misplaced time students put into writing for your “paper.” It’s a shame, I’m afraid. The age of papers is dead; just look at the Occupy Wall Street thing. Everyone and their grandma knows that all those people are protesting about how bad the Wall Street Journal has become, and the Wall Street Journal is pretty good as far as newspapers go. So why even bother when nobody actually cares? Who are you trying to kid? Just give it up now and you’ll still look classy, my lowly friend. In short, I’m writing this to help you, not to criticize you. So take heed of my priceless advice and don’t deny it any longer, or forever be haunted by the fact that nobody actually reads this stuff.

Sincerely,

A Disillusioned Student