Today a female student was spotted with an issue of the Whitman Pioneer, the local campus newspaper. She was tall, with brown hair and blue eyes, and in her hands and before her eyes was a large piece of paper that is rumored to have had a banner reading “The  Pioneer.”

The girl was interviewed, and her name was determined to be Hailey Bergner, and her interview made it into the paper that she was reading.

“I want to know what’s going on on campus on a week-to-week basis, I think,” she said. “That must be why I picked it up.”

The color scheme seemed to be blue and orange, with the color photography and illustrations on the front page as well as other pages. However, most of the colors of the paper were black and white. This includes the black and white words throughout and even some black and white illustrations and photography.

Editor-in-Chief Patricia Vanderbilt was both shocked and awed at the news of this odd and spectacular occurrence. She commented, “This might mean that we might get more bids for advertising.”

An extensive survey was taken across a wide spectrum of Pioneer readers named Hailey Bergner and the results concluded that she was only reading the Backpage. To this, Humor Editor Adam Brayton responded by guffawing and rejoicing. In a public statement to his fellow editors, he said, “In y’all’s faces!”

Other uses of the paper that don’t involve reading it include toilet paper, sweet hats, napkins, substrates for peeling potatoes, and school-paper bras. The staff of The  Pioneer staff assumes that this is what people must do with the paper.