Cry for help from a ‘Pioneer’ writer

Tabor Martinsen

In light of this week’s newspaper initiation, my boss asked me to write an article about my  experience thus far so here it is.

On the first day, Satan my boss Adam made me clean his dirty laundry helped me  through a writing workshop. It was a horrible experience that made me contemplate the  meaning of my life great experience that helped me learn to write well. Later I was forced to  eat the soggy leftover newspapers from last week’s issue for my only meal of the day was given  some big cheese pizza as a reward for working hard. The next morning started off with  tyrannical Adam making me listen to four hours of Celine Dion as punishment for showing up 2  minutes late and me jamming to Wu-Tang Clan while working on how to choose a good topic for  articles. The rest of the day my Nazi boss Adam locked me in the printing room closet and  forgot about me gave me the freedom and time to see what kind of work I produced on my  own. On day three, Adam told me to guess how many words there were in the last issue of The  Pioneer and then count every single word to see if I was correct; the whole time Adam  screamed arbitrary numbers and if I lost track, pinched the soft part of my inner thigh and  made me start recounting again showed me how to edit my own articles. The final day of  initiation was spent with Hitler Adam showing me naked pictures of his two biggest Hollywood  crushes; Rosie O’Donnell and Dolly Parton, and asking me to write an article about why there  were so hot and me discussing why Cosmopolitan should have a men’s issue and what column we  would write for it if we could. All and all, it was a horrific mistake an amazing time tHat I will  nEver forget as Long as I write for the Pioneer newspaper at WhitMan collEge.

-An oppressed first-year who is scared to reveal his identity.