News flash: Mom was right, again

Adam Brayton

Credit: Alex Bailey

It struck first-year Darren Mulrey this Wednesday morning, while putting his pants on, that that thing his mom told him to do with the refrigerator in his Anderson dorm room was a great idea.

“It totally just made complete sense why Mom had me put my refrigerator in the far left corner,” Mulrey commented. “And then after looking around it was like, whoa, she was totally right about everything.”

This is but one of many realizations sweeping Whitman College first-year residence halls. As student after student takes a second to look around, there is a general consensus brewing that each individual student’s mom somehow managed to be totally right.

“I was at first a little distraught at how much my mom was taking charge of my Prentiss room layout,” first-year Amanda Sanchez explained. “I really wanted the independence of being able to figure out how I wanted my stuff laid out.” But before Sanchez could change the organization of her dorm room, she found herself perfectly content with the way it was.

Polls taken by the organization M.A.D.R.E. (Mothers who Always Decide Really Excellently) show that the average American mother is right a whopping all of the time. Also, further research has proven that college-age students tend more often than not to have mothers that know everything.

“I am outraged,” first-year Cain Goody announced. “If Mom was right about this, what else is she going to be right about? Changing my underwear? Turning the music lower? Eating my vegetables before my dessert? Calling her every day? Will all of these miniscule demands end up being true after all?”

It seems to be the case that Mother does indeed know best. All who disagree and make a fuss and start griping and whining and moaning can all go to their rooms until Mom says so.