In a desperate attempt to regain dignity, Adam “Puzzle Slut” Brayton seized control of the Backpage by means of brute force this past Monday. He now holds two hostages: humor editor Diana Dulek and staff writer Cari Cortez. Witnesses described Brayton as “frothing at the mouth” and “going apeshit, man.”

The following day, Brayton claimed that his demands were simple.

“I simply want a little bit of dignity,” he stated, “and being that one guy who’s the ‘Puzzle Slut’ gets really degrading after a while. I can do better than that. I’m classier than that.”

Adam has been known by several different aliases beyond his typical moniker of “Puzzle Slut.” These include, but are not limited to “Braytron the Slutbot,” “Forrest Hump,” “Snatch Adams,” and “Tits.” In a public statement, Brayton alluded that he would no longer accept these nicknames. He did remark that he would gladly accept new nicknames that portrayed him in a better light, such as Puzzle Escort or maybe even something nicer than that.

Interns at the counseling center have performed an assessment of Brayton’s mental state. In a press release, they confirmed that Brayton has “indeed lost his marbles.”

The location of Dulek and Cortez has not been ascertained as of yet, but yellow jackets are on constant watch for the hostages.   When asked for at least a clue toward finding the missing Pioneer staff members, Brayton responded with an obscure reference to Rihanna’s hit song “S&M.”

“We’re terrified not only because we don’t know where our cherished staff are or in what peril they are in,” Pioneer Editor-in-Chief Derek Thurber commented, “but also because we don’t know whether the answer to that clue is an abbreviation or not.”