Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman discovers peace and prosperity

by Carmine Montgomery, guest columnist

As students finish their third week of classes, Whitman College officials announced at a school-wide gathering this morning that the college has made it this far into the new year without a single national controversy, negative portrayal in the media, or even listserv squabble among the student body.

To what do we owe this newfound era of harmony? I took to Ankeny to ask the students.

“Barack!” said some jubilantly. “Drink!” said others nearby, who have apparently concocted some sort of Barack Obama-and-new-national-era-of-hope-based drinking game.

For an astute few, however, the answer is far more surprising.

“I think it’s because there wasn’t a Symposium this year,” said one student who preferred to remain anonymous. When asked to elaborate, the student responded, “Frankly, no one knows what’s offensive anymore.”

The absence of the Symposium has been noted by many other students. The situation was even commented on via the students listserv at the beginning of the semester, but the writer’s opinion was calmly noted and reflected upon by the student body rather than provoking a vitreous response as seen in years past.  

“Without the Symposium, I really don’t know how best to incite the rage of my fellow students,” said one notorious rabble-rouser. “At this point it’s just easier to be nice to people.”

Stooping to help a fellow student collect the contents of her spilled schoolbag, the malcontent added, “I guess it’s just a brighter era all across the board with a puppy in the White House.”

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