Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Four-Day Weekend is coming up! Are you prepared for the worst?

Horrifyingly true testimonials tell all!!

Don’t stay in Walla Walla.

Friday:
I was so excited to have an extra crazy Friday night to celebrate the four day weekend! But all of my friends had already left to go home or to someone else’s home or Seattle or something. So I just ended up opening the fifth of tequila I had been saving and drank in my room until I fell asleep.

Saturday:
Yes! I’ve got all day to hang out, enjoy the weather, and homework is totally not a problem since I’ve got so much extra time to do it! But no one’s playing Frisbee on Ankeny…and Reid is totally deserted…so I watched some movies and walked to taco truck by myself, than drank in my room and fell asleep.

Sunday:
I wanted to do some shopping around downtown, but nothing’s open in Walla Walla on Sunday. I watched some movies in my room and finished the fifth of tequila before falling asleep. Oh, I think I might have masturbated too.

Monday:
Yes! Time to hang around downtown and check out all the shops!

Oh wait. It’s Columbus Day.

And I don’t know anyone still on campus who’s old enough to buy me more alcohol…

Guess I’ll do my homework. Hopefully the tears won’t make these chem problems illegible…

Tuesday:
Finally! Everyone’s getting back from their awesome trips, and I am SO ready to hang out with my friends again. Wait, what?

“We have to do our homework: we totally didn’t get any done while we were gone.”

Oh. I already finished mine. It’s Tuesday night, I’m ready to go crazy. Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone?

Don’t leave Walla Walla.

Friday:
Awesome! I’ve never gone on a road trip to the Oregon coast before! Wait, Jill and Todd (this totally outdoors-y couple that organized this whole trip) just broke up outside Richland. And now they’re stuck together all weekend in a tiny tent.
Awkward…

Saturday:
Beach camping is so awesome! I feel so bad for those poor people who thought it’d be cool to stay in Walla Walla over four-day. While they watch movies or something, we’re drinking a handle of vodka around a driftwood bonfire on a beautiful beach! Even the whole Jill/Todd situation hasn’t been that bad…

Sunday:
I just woke up hung-over in the same tent as Todd. And we’re both naked. Fuck. And this guy who I totally was hoping to get to know better spent last night with Jill! Could this weekend suck any more?

Monday:
Oh my God! This white car that had been tailgating us for a while on the way to Portland totally rammed us off the road, and then threw a Molotov cocktail at us! And apparently Todd’s car was reported as stolen two months ago. Now we’re hiding out in a 7-11 bathroom trying to change our hair colors. NOW this weekend couldn’t possibly suck any worse.

Tuesday:
Well, it was a terrible experience and I haven’t seen Jill since that black bear chased her into the woods, but we managed to hitchike and jump trains until we got back to Walla Walla.
And then one of my friends was all like, “Oh my God, I have had SUCH a terrible weekend. Make me feel better.” HEL-LO, bitch, I’m a fugitive from justice. Get a little perspective.

I can’t believe I have a fucking Core paper due tomorrow.

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