News Bits

by Alex Henke

Bong Hits 4 Jesus case goes to higher court, ‘war on drugs’ leaders compare Arab holy figure promoting illegal activity to terrorist
Famous shithead Kenneth Starr is taking up the prosecutor’s side of an ongoing court battle surrounding a Juneau, Alaska high school student’s suspension for holding up a ‘Bong Hits 4 Jesus’ banner during an Olympic torch relay. “This is the perfect example of how the war on drugs links to the war on terror,” said Starr while picking corn bits out of his scalp. “The thought of our children doing illegal drugs for a bearded A-rab holy man is deplorable. As a real American, I want a clean-shaven American to tell our children’s parents give their kids prescription amphetamines and opiates.” Fellow ‘warriors on drugs’ on the local school board nodded in agreement and then nodded off to OxyContin land.

Birth control linked to lower teenage pregnancy rates, Kansas poses alternate theory of “Intelligent Smiting”
Shortly after birth control was inexplicably linked to decreasing teenage pregnancy rates, a Kansas school board proposed a different theory. “We believe that this study only goes to show that the Lord smites the lustful sinners with a decreased sperm count,” said prominent Christian and deceased anti-Semite Martin Luther, speaking for the entire board unanimously. “Also, it’s a Jewish conspiracy. Let us destroy their houses and synagogues and seize their valuables.”

Jay Leno, Rita Rudner sue over joke-thieving books, defense argues no humor was stolen
Jay Leno, Rita Rudner and a host of other hilarious comedians are suing an author and her publisher for stealing their jokes in the author’s book. “Great jokes such as ‘All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals’ were stolen from my repertoire,” said Rudner, “that night I was booed off stage during amateur hour at Yuk Yuks.” The defense’s case rests on the idea that mere words were copied, not phrases of any humorous value. “We were hoping that this case would be ‘laughed’ out of court. Get it?” said the publisher’s special representative, Neil Hamburger. “…Get it? You know, because the case involves jokes, which are usually meant to be laughed at. Damn, I’m good.” In other news, David Duke declined to comment on his pending lawsuit against Michael Richards.