Bacon. The future of food, and the life source for 99 percent of the world population. But is bacon really that good? Bacon is little more than fat, a miniscule amount of meat and the image of a dead pig....
When I discovered Whitman College was ranked first in economic homogeneity out of 91 excellent schools, I was so overcome with elation that I almost spilled cognac all over my ocelot fur robe (that’s 100 percent pure Indonesian ocelot, none of that shit from the Philippines). After hearing the good news, naturally I called my longtime rival in the international yacht derby, close personal friend and Whitman Board of Trustees member John Stanton.
“The hotel name Best Western is a tribute to Hilton’s hotel background. This way the twins will be forever linked to Paris,†said Kanye. He also added that Best Western “has an excellent continental breakfast and a lovely lobby so it seemed only natural to name one after the hotel establishment.â€
Astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson surprised many at his talk at Cordiner Hall on Thursday, Sept. 11, when he whole-heartedly embraced creationism as a legitimate origin story and dismissed all of his previous scientific pursuits.
Last week, the Whitman campus was shaken as a New York Times’ article ranked Whitman as the least economically diverse college out of a group of more than 90 schools. Though the ranking has drawn criticism, with some arguing that it isn’t a fair assessment as it fails to incorporate some other factors, the ranking still holds some truth for many students who agree that Whitman is lacking in diversity.
The Whitman founders Marcus and Narcissa themselves were avid readers of Nostradamus. In fact, Marcus’ quote, “My plans require time and distance,†was a shortened version of the original quote cut to make Whitman more appealing to bougie west-coast city dwellers, a conspiracy in its own right.
There are moments in life that can capture the true nature of a man’s soul. This underpaid reporter experienced one such moment last week. Gazing down upon the plebeian horde below him from his secret office in the Clocktower of the Memorial Building, Whitman College President Jorge Ponts said one word to this underfed reporter before he descended and made his annual “Kick off the Year" speech on the steps of the Memorial Building: “Sheep.â€
