Students choose to attend Whitman College for an abundance of reasons, ranging from academic rigor and high quality of professors, to the quaint campus life and strong sense of community. Sophomore Chauncey Brightwell chose to attend for a typical reason: the wide range of studies and activities. You know, the liberal arts.

Brightwell took this belief to the extreme last week by utilizing Whitman’s option of creating a major and literally majoring in almost everything Whitman has to offer. He will be engaging in a course of study covering thirty different disciplines, with a focus in the rhetoric of environmental studies-film. Unlike most students, Brightwell will be almost exclusively enrolled in intro-level courses his entire four years. When asked if being in typically first-year courses as an upperclassman worries him, Brightwell reportedly rolled his eyes.

“I’m just so passionate about everything,” whined Brightwell. After taking a quick sip of kombucha from his mason jar, he exclaimed, “I feel like I’m in the renaissance of my life right now, why would I limit my choices?”

Although it is not certain what that actually means, it is certain that Brightwell is a pompous dick.

After she was informed of the student’s major, Associate Dean of Faculty Development Teressa Serfetti offered a fresh new perspective on the matter. “George Bridges started the Now is The Time campaign because of academic hippies like Brightwell. These individuals have been swiss cheesin’ the $@#! out of our alumni donations for years now! For god’s sake, can we just get some econ majors to go trade derivatives or something?”

The financial sector appears to be an unlikely career choice for Brightwell, but he has unwavering optimism for his future success.

“My dream would be to have my work exhibited at the Sundance Film Festival. Small scale filmmaking won’t make me rich, but I believe change is most important on a more personal level.” Brightwell later added that he also would love to work in urban planning, or possibly start a pay-as-you-wish vegan bakery.

While Brightwell is aware he will never fully grasp one specific topic of study at Whitman, he is content being mildly competent in almost everything. As the year goes on, Brightwell believes he will continue to find academic satisfaction through his tendency to ask pretentious questions in search of finding connections between classes, as well as his involvement in ASWC and intramural Ultimate Frisbee.