“LOVE SEX MAGIC”

CIARA FEAT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

From “Fantasy Ride” (2009, La Face)

DIR: Diane Martel

Where’s the magic?   While the ultra-limber Ciara squeals and writhes             over the increasingly disgusting Justin Timberlake (Seriously, he and Spencer Pratt from “The Hills” should compare whose beard looks more flesh-colored.), I’m waiting for the wands and magicians deviously twirling their mustaches and bright bursts of candy-colored light.   It certainly fulfills the “sex” part; there is, for example, a reel’s worth of licking that should give Jessica Biel all the more reason to send Timberlake to seventh heaven (Hey-yo!).   “This is the part where we fall in love,” Ciara sings as she lies down on Timberlake’s prostrate body.   Yeah . . . no.   Girl is deluded.   Then she transforms into Kelis at the end, ‘fro and all. So maybe there is magic in this video after all.

FINAL WORD: False Advertising

“BOOM BOOM POW”

THE BLACK EYED PEAS

From “The E.N.D.” (2009, interscope)

DIR: Mathew Cullen

“I’m so three-thousand-and-eight, / you so two-thousand-and-late!”   The Black Eyed Peas.   Always the wordsmiths.   This time it’s about becoming technology, according to will.i.am, and if we don’t get it, we’re two-thousand-and-late.   Except no one understands the Black Eyed Peas, so really, I’d be happy to believe that they are from the year 3008. Mrs. Josh Duhamel turns into She-Ra at some point. Then will.i.am throws up on his auto-tuner and mixing equipment to synthesize the worst 90s dance club anthem ever.   Three-thousand-and-eight my ass; this is nineteen-ninety-eight.   I think they even turn into variations of the Master Control Program from “Tron.” ‘Cause they’re becoming technology, y’all!   Ha ha ha.   I hope they die.   Whoops.

FINAL WORD:   HP Touchsmart Commercial

“SEXUAL ERUPTION” (aka “SENSUAL SEDUCTION”)

SNOOP DOGG

From “Ego Trippin'” (2008, Geffen)

Dir: Melina

Like I really need to explain this video.   What’s it all about, Snoop?

FINAL WORD: “Orgasms”