Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Music Video Meltdown, Volume II

Yeah, well, Madonna can do that, too.



From “Fantasy Ride” (2009, La Face)

DIR: Diane Martel

Where’s the magic?   While the ultra-limber Ciara squeals and writhes             over the increasingly disgusting Justin Timberlake (Seriously, he and Spencer Pratt from “The Hills” should compare whose beard looks more flesh-colored.), I’m waiting for the wands and magicians deviously twirling their mustaches and bright bursts of candy-colored light.   It certainly fulfills the “sex” part; there is, for example, a reel’s worth of licking that should give Jessica Biel all the more reason to send Timberlake to seventh heaven (Hey-yo!).   “This is the part where we fall in love,” Ciara sings as she lies down on Timberlake’s prostrate body.   Yeah . . . no.   Girl is deluded.   Then she transforms into Kelis at the end, ‘fro and all. So maybe there is magic in this video after all.

FINAL WORD: False Advertising

Basically, this song wouldve been merely okay in the nineteen-eighties.



From “The E.N.D.” (2009, interscope)

DIR: Mathew Cullen

“I’m so three-thousand-and-eight, / you so two-thousand-and-late!”   The Black Eyed Peas.   Always the wordsmiths.   This time it’s about becoming technology, according to will.i.am, and if we don’t get it, we’re two-thousand-and-late.   Except no one understands the Black Eyed Peas, so really, I’d be happy to believe that they are from the year 3008. Mrs. Josh Duhamel turns into She-Ra at some point. Then will.i.am throws up on his auto-tuner and mixing equipment to synthesize the worst 90s dance club anthem ever.   Three-thousand-and-eight my ass; this is nineteen-ninety-eight.   I think they even turn into variations of the Master Control Program from “Tron.” ‘Cause they’re becoming technology, y’all!   Ha ha ha.   I hope they die.   Whoops.

FINAL WORD:   HP Touchsmart Commercial

I might like you better if we never slept together, Snoop.
I might like you better if we never slept together, Snoop.



From “Ego Trippin'” (2008, Geffen)

Dir: Melina

Like I really need to explain this video.   What’s it all about, Snoop?

FINAL WORD: “Orgasms”

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  • S

    SaraMay 4, 2009 at 2:05 am

    Greatest. Article. Ever.

    Now, what could have inspired it?!