It’s almost summer. Girls are wearing their short-shorts and dudes are wearing their mesh tank tops.

What’s that? You’re BORED in all this sun?

Well, never fear: I’ve come up with a pretty reliable list of sun-friendly toys that will have you giggling for hours on end.

Super Soaker Aqua Shock HydroBlitz: Hyphothetical situation: You’re minding your own business, eating a Popsicle, reading Nickelodeon Magazine, basically doing what you normally do, when your FUCKING LITTLE SISTER throws a FUCKING WATER BALLOON at your FUCKING FACE. What’re you gonna do? Sure, you COULD tell on her. OR you could ANNIHILATE HER WITH THE HYDROBLITZ. The Hydroblitz is awesome because it not only has rapid-fire blasting capabilities, it ALSO holds 101 ounces of water. Which is WAY more than a water balloon. Even a huge-ass water balloon.

Gazillion Bubblator: I haven’t actually counted the number of bubbles technically generated by the Gazillion Bubblator, but it’s DEFINITELY between a million and a gazillion. Definitely. And it’s not just quality with this baby: It also makes HUGONGOUS bubbles. (Fuck you Spell Check; “Hugongous” is so a word.)

Swimline Two-Headed Curly Serpent: Even if you don’t have a pool, this inflatable gigantic snake is probably one of the most useful things I can think of. One: It’s superlong, which means it’s really good for bonking people with. Two: It’s superscary, and would therefore probably frighten robbers if you put it by your door at night. Three: It has not one head, but two. Good two-headed toys are hard to find these days: Trust me, even porn shops are scaling back.

SW Express Geyser Blast Sprinkler: Remember when it was hot outside and your mom would be like, “Why don’t we turn on the sprinkler?” And you’d be like, “YEEEEAH!” And then she’d turn on the sprinkler and you’d jump through it a few times and it would be kinda fun, and maybe you’d pretend the sprinkler was, like, a water monster or something, but it would still get pretty boring pretty fast and you’d end up digging for worms and then your mom would be like, “YOU’RE RUINING MY GARDEN!!!!” and then you’d be in trouble. Well, WHAT IF the SPRINKLER had a MIND OF ITS OWN and started whipping around all willy-nilly like an angry snake? That would be WAY more interesting.

Old Fashioned Snow Cone Maker: I don’t know about you, but MY favorite thing about being alive is eating snow cones. I’ve oft dreamt of what it would be like if I could have a snow cone at the drop of a hat. Would this, then, be heaven on earth?

Slip ‘N’ Slide Shark Attack Water Slide: This fabulous 20-foot Slip ‘N’ Slide is great because it makes you THINK you are actually slipping and sliding into the mouth of a big-ass shark. Which is scary at first, but when you make it out on the other side and you’re wet and happy and in a safe boat (rather than the gut of a shark), it feels all that much better.

20′ Parachute: Twenty feet in diameter is fucking huge. You could definitely fit like 30 people under that shit (technically, 16. But whatever). Games that are fun to play with a parachute: Put balled up paper on it and call it “popcorn”; get underneath it and pretend you are in a “tent”; smother someone you don’t like in it and call it an “accident.” JUST KIDDING! Don’t actually do that. At least not without a parent’s permission.