Dear Dr. Danger,

I am a freshman, and I have a problem with my roommate. I love the guy, but every weekend he gets very drunk and returns late at night, and he urinates on me. At first, the first time that is, it was funny. I think the humor surrounding that first incident instilled some sense of subconscious endorsement for him, and now I’m just screwed because this guy (let’s call him Spritzy Fritzgibbens) goes for it every time. Nobody in my section knows that he does this; I’m too embarrassed to let it out that he’s done it again (and again and again).

I told him, but he doesn’t believe me; he thinks I’m just joking because there’s no evidence (see, I’m a clean freak and just have to clean the mess up right away: while he snores away in a nice, dry bed). The pee thing is really getting stale, but I really like the guy, so I don’t want to “get back at him” . . . still, I’m really tired of waking up to the golden showers and I’m just so tired all the time anyway that I can’t stay up late enough to keep him from doing it. Plus I don’t adapt well to sleeping in new places: It took me two weeks before I could sleep the night through in Jewett without popping a Vicodin or two. I’ve been clean for five weeks and I’m worried that these trying times will put me back on the pills. I need your help.

Please give me some advice.

Yours damply,

An Unwilling Showerer

Showerer,

It looks like what you’ve got is a classic case of roommate incompatibility. Normally I would advise you to approach this “Spritzy” and have a serious but calm discussion. If that has failed, and your shame prevents you from approaching anybody, your only real recourse is retaliation.

Yes, yes, he’s a “nice guy” and you “really like him.” Well boo-hoo-hoo. You may not enjoy teaching Spritzy this hard lesson (you will, trust me), but it’s got to be done, just like scolding a puppy that pees on your bed . . . while blackout-drunk. This is what you’ll want to do:

1) Tell your roommate you want to switch sides of the room. You may encounter a bit of resistance, but I’ve learned that a surefire technique for coaxing recalcitrant frosh is to make the task at hand a drinking game: the sweet nectar of shitbeer motivates like no other. It is best to do this late in the week.

2) The weekend or Tuesday immediately following the switch, your roommate is going to get hammered. This phase is very important.

3) While your roommate is out, set up a digital camcorder with night shot, aimed at your former bed (now his).

4) This is important: after he soils his own sheets, your disoriented friend may try to climb in bed with you. This is most likely not a come-on; he has probably forgotten which bed is his. You must be very firm with him. Whatever you do, do NOT allow him into your bed. If you anticipate difficulty here, watch a couple episodes of Super Nanny beforehand for inspiration.

5) Ideally, Spritzy will come to in sodden sheets, having marinated for several hours in his own urine. If this is not a shock enough to mend his incontinent ways, you might try either uploading the video of him soaking the bed he subsequently sleeps in to the Internet, that great dynamo of public humiliation, or go for a bigger shock. Consider booby-trapping the bed with a strategically disassembled low-voltage electric blanket. A man named Pavlov has done some interesting research with this method of behavior modification, and I feel that you may discover some of his findings to be very applicable in working out your predicament. Best of luck!