Whitman is, and always shall be, split by rivalry and vendetta. No day passes without being ruined by some knife fight or dance-off. The corpses of fallen partisans are displayed in Reid Ballroom before being carted off to Penrose Crematorium. We strike the names of the dead from our Facebook listings and erase their faces from our memories.
On Tuesday, I was accosted by seven different armed groups. The leader of one band was convinced that I was a member of “Sebastian’s Reds” and was prepared to shiv me to prove it. Another merely screamed “Noir! Noir! Noir!” and charged at me as I left Olin Hall. My turbo-cycle allowed me easy escape, but I was shaken. Where do these howling devils come from?
It would be simpler to number the stars than to account for every little turf war and afternoon siege. All I can do is try and record those hatreds which burned most brightly. Perhaps then we will know where the pain comes from.
First Feud: Seminarians versus Humanists (ca. 1859-1883). This place was established to train priests, hence our beloved mascot “Simeon the Heathen-Slayer.” It was not long before the Devil’s solicitor, Reason, came knocking on the doors of God-Towne. Humanists felt that the seminary’s curriculum of reading dense theological tomes could be restructured along rational lines. The student body would be much better served by a course of study focused on elitism, ancient languages, philosophy and hating poor people. The conflict came to a head in 1873 when an unnamed humanist and the school’s chaplain, a spry 48-year-old Dr. Ball, had a lengthy debate on Ankeny. The humanist alleged that the new curriculum would sharpen the students’ wits to the point where religious instruction was no longer necessary. The chaplain responded that the students would think themselves above any morality and would become new Lucifers. Last weekend, in celebration of the anniversary of the debate, a group of religion and philosophy students cashed a bowl on Ankeny Field and then went to the Beta house.
Second Feud: Jazz-Age Decadents versus Jazz-Age Degenerates (1925-1927). The publishing of “The Great Gatsby” in 1925 introduced the glamour of a new cultural revolution to the Pacific Northwest. Despite the fact that an uninterested F. Scott Fitzgerald had originally scribbled the entire text on a cocktail napkin while waiting to be admitted to a sleazier speakeasy, the book earned a cult following among students of Whitman. One group of fans, the Lyman Boys, became notorious for their “Gatsby”-inspired hijinks. In a memorable incident, the lads managed to steal a cask of illegal whiskey from the Spanish department’s distillery. After each member sampled the liquor and found it to be “rather ripping good stuff,” they staggered their way to Dayton and collapsed. Such antics aroused the ire of the other Gatsby fan club on campus, Jewett’s Gang. Guy Jewett, for whom our official school wrestling hold is named, vowed to “put those fops to rout like the Germans at the Somme.” Unfortunately, all members of both clubs were shot to death in swimming pools before the feud could actually develop.
Third Feud: Campus Greens versus Campus Light Manufacturing Concern (ongoing). Whitman prides itself on its high level of environmental consciousness. We’ve all participated in events hosted by the Outhouse, or manufactured our own methamphetamine, or hissed and thrown rocks at known polluters.
In the hierarchy of activism, the Campus Greens rank above the War Bonds Club but below the Sharia religious police. Against the Campus Greens stand a variety of groups, from Agency K.I.L.L to the Whitman Human Defense League to Fuck! Nature.
Of all these the Campus Light Manufacturing Concern is the most powerful. Staffed by the 11 sons and daughters of a Portland-area aluminum siding magnate, the cabal is the only group with both the means and the motivation to stand up to the Greens. Thanks to their efforts, no Green student can display their proud, intricate coat of arms without suffering furious assault.
The Green High Chapel, woven out of briars and thorns and the hopes of hundreds, was burned to the ground last week by an unknown arsonist. Despite the ferocity of the Manufacturers, the Greens have not given up.
Their nature-priests have ancient allies, rumored to be geology/environmental studies majors, ready to fight the foe. Sparrows, nightingales and other birds of carrion circle our skies. Even I cannot say who will win. But I will most definitely loot the bodies, and God help you if you doubt me on that count.