I miss flying. Being from Seattle, I always drive to Walla Walla and so my time in the sky has been severely diminished. I can’t help but feel nostalgic for an airplane ride.

In a controversial announcement, Whitman College announced that Ben van Beurden, the Dutch CEO of the Shell Oil Company, will be the next President of the college. This end of the search has come after months of shady backroom bar meetings at the Green, candidate interrogations and discussions with Grow Your Endowment Executive Search Consultants, the consulting firm hired to assist in the search process. The presidential search as a whole cost the school 70,000 dollars and two of George Bridges’ nine lives. Thus, the college is very excited to finally welcome van Beurden as a Whittie.

It has been only three months since militant townies first started making an appearance in Beta’s sacred lands. However, since that time and because of some lightning-fast tactical raids, the townies have managed to gain control of the gravel pit, the rope swing and Kyle Seasly’s guitar. Now, I know what many of you reading at home must be thinking: “Beta is a barren, worthless wasteland. Why should we care?” I was of a similar opinion until I was informed that Beta is one of the leading exporters of PBR, American Spirits, cynicism and many other raw materials upon which Whitman society is built. I traveled to this war-torn region of Whitman Campus on a drunken bender last weekend to analyze the geopolitical landscape further.