News
Garrett Schreiber: Sadly, we must all sit in awkward silence as we watch the Kansas City Chiefs complete their quest for a three-peat. Patrick Mahomes, despite having yet another mediocre game this season, is named Super Bowl 59 MVP. Taylor Swift catches a flight down onto the field from the suite she has been watching the game from (which we know because she’s half the run-time) to celebrate with the team. She runs into Travis Kelce’s arms like a scene from an early 2000’s rom-com. Kelce gets down on one knee and proposes as the entire Kansas City roster breaks out into song and dance. Also, the city of Philadelphia is destroyed (the fans couldn’t be angrier).
Bex Heimbrock: A new fault line emerges in New Orleans directly underneath the Superdome, causing the Chiefs’ side of the field to fall into a fiery abyss – swallowing all except Travis Kelce, who is airlifted by Taylor Swift’s private jet (the emissions from which cause yet another inch of sea level rise). The fault line, which shocks scientists, is viewed by Eagles fans as an act of divine intervention. The city of Philadelphia is destroyed (the fans couldn’t be happier).
Feature
Sebastian Vera Cuevas: The underrated, underappreciated, but always ICONIC San Francisco 49ers as NFL Commissioner Roger Godell (recovering from a nasty concussion) has an epiphany. Immediately a press conference is called and the 49ers are given their well-deserved shot at redemption. Deebo and Brock SWEEP the Chiefs, ending their insufferable reign, and proceed to demolish the Eagles, a bittersweet win that’s accompanied with a Kendrick-Tyler live performance of their new, unreleased song (slated to win 30 Grammys next year). Thus, the Niners usher in an era of Super Bowl wins we can all get behind – think Raiders (but of course, during his epiphany Godell orders them to move back to Oakland), Bengals and more, but never ever the Chiefs OR Taylor Swift, ever again.
Alternate: Philly fans start WWIII whether they win or lose.
No matter who wins the Super Bowl this coming Sunday, as the name of the winning team is etched onto the trophy on the sidelines and the final $30 million ad plays, tucked into the far right corner of millions of American’s TVs, the streets will begin to roar. Slowly, millions of Eagles fans take to the streets, demolishing everything in their path. What begins as a locally contained riot-celebration turns into a full-fledged mayhem as Eagles fans use their superior national security know-how to incite the dissolution of the UN and NATO (to celebrate the the win, of course), ultimately convincing our top military officials to launch our fanciest fireworks (nukes).
Opinion
Ayatarrahman Mahmoudi: KENDRICKKKK performs the entire album, half-time becomes full-time, and not a single American football player steps onto the turf. The crowd is pleasantly surprised and even the most insufferable football fans are appeased. The players all line up after the show to bow to him for his amazing performance and saving them from doing more exercise. Kendrick brings out Drizzy and daps him up along with a kiss on the cheek. Drake then performs “Papi’s Home” from his 2021 Certified Lover Boy album before they perform “Poetic Justice” together as a final act and leave hand in hand.
Humor
Carmel Stephan: Someone shits themselves.
Campus Life
Alexa Grechishkin: Since my only football experience comes from watching my high school play during marching band, I’ll be fully backing Team Ruff in the puppy bowl. My careful analysis of their starting lineup gives me high hopes, especially since they have the boston terrier, Trio, on the field. I know nothing about dog breeds but I always see videos of Boston Terriers holding toys in their mouths like Plants vs. Zombies pea shooters, so that seems promising. Things don’t bode well for the multiple Chihuahua mix dogs on Team Fluff, especially since I’ve never seen a chihuahua fetch a ball. Most of the time they seem to entertain themselves by imagining humans as the toy, increasing the probability of the referee distracting them from their play on the field. Either way, I’ll be spending the weekend thinking about how these dogs have no way of conceptualizing their fame and wondering what Baudrillard would have to say about the Puppy Bowl.
Science and Environment
Kaitlyn Salazar: I see three commercials for AI that make me extremely depressed, two beer commercials that make me tear up, and one commercial that causes me to get off the couch, drive to Safeway, and purchase a family-size bag of cool ranch Doritos. Also, Taylor Swift reps Vitamin Water as her new brand endorsement and is seen chugging bottles of power-c dragonfruit throughout the game. In fact, there’s never a moment where she’s not seen drinking from a power-c dragonfruit Vitamin Water. At least 50 cases of Vitamin Water are visible in her luxury suite. By the end of the game, they’re all empty.
