This NFL season is one characterized by bizarre circumstances. Packers fans shed nacho cheese tears as former favorite son, Brett Farve, un-re-retired to lead the division rival Minnesota Vikings to an undefeated record through week six. Peyton Manning proved that you only need the ball for fifteen minutes to win a game. And my Oakland Raiders lead the NFL in one major statistical category, gross incompetence, giving hope to all the Bobby Bouchers in the world. To add to my disappointment, legendary Hall-of-Famer and former Raider’s coach John Madden is not announcing football games for the first time this century. In fact, this will be the first season Mr. Madden is not visibly involved in the NFL since the AFL-NFL merger in 1966. To me, John Madden was football. His original and insightful commentary always left me feeling like an insider.
Dujie: Whoa, whoa. Hold on. While I’m sure an entire column dedicated to the glory that is John Madden would be nothing short of riveting. Your obviously jaded opinions are a bit excessive; therefore, I am obligated to bring you and your views back to Earth. The last time I checked, Madden was barely literate and offered nothing of value to football fans, or more broadly, society on the whole. My Filipino grandmother, who doesn’t speak a word of English, could provide more accurate and coherent analysis. Madden’s like the kid in kindergarten who got held back because he couldn’t color inside the lines. I learned more about how graphics don’t work than I did about football any time he opened his mouth. It makes me wonder if all that Tinactin hasn’t seeped into his brain, which by now is probably just a gigantic disjointed teleprompter filled with Al Michaels fill-ins.
Max: Easy tiger, Madden was an entrepreneur and an humanitarian. Not only did he introduce the world to the trifecta of deliciousness that is the turducken: a brilliant combination of turkey, duck and chicken: he crusaded tirelessly to find a cure for athlete’s foot, all while providing citizens with valuable home improvement information. Not to mention he is also the face of the best-selling video game of all time.
Dujie: While I will have to concede that Madden, the game, is indeed an altogether out-of-body experience, I stand behind my claim of Madden’s inability to piece together an articulate, comprehensible sentence. His general buffoonery is exemplified in the testimony of his former players in Oakland, who insist that he cost them more than they gained, leading them away from the promised land. The players bluntly suggested that if Madden hadn’t been the coach they would have won at least two more Super Bowls in 1970s. Madden is but a corporate patsy who doesn’t any know better.
Max: Oh c’mon, man! Don’t be that guy. Haven’t you ever heard of the phrase “ignorance is bliss”? Madden fully embodies the truth in this idiom. I think that you’re overlooking the fact that Madden has worked to bring joy to football fans everywhere. As for his alleged incompetence, if he were as dumb as you suggest, why would the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, have offered him a special advisory position? Don’t hate the player; hate the game.
Dujie: Whatever, man. The NFL is a business. The corporate heads only want you to think that Madden is important so that you continually feed your soul through the self-perpetuating consumerist lifestyle that their advertisers’ shamelessly pedal.
Max: I can see there is no convincing you. I guess we’re going to have to agree to disagree.
Dujie: Damn, skippy! All right, want to play Madden?
Max: Sorry, bra: I’ve only have one controller.
