No Shave November nonparticipants still manly

joeykern

Credit: Wolff
Credit: Wolff

It’s but two weeks into November and already there is a change in the air. It’s something elusive, difficult to pinpoint. At first, I attribute it to the season, the weather and the air. But then, upon gazing around my classroom I realize something is not as it seems.

Splotchy, poorly-kept beards that would be hard-pressed to impress an eighth grade girl stand proudly beside oddly creepy yet appealing mustaches and raging neck-beards. No Shave November is clearly underway.

No Shave November is nothing new in the world of faux-masculinity and raging testosterone. It’s a time where men are encouraged to be men and women are encouraged to be repulsed in a hairy tribute to all that is natural and, at times, unattractive.

Whether you quietly participate, offering your peach fuzz in silent testimony to your brothers, or boast a beard rivaling Hugh Jackman, every man is offered an equal opportunity to prove himself in this rite of manliness: but at what cost?

Personally, were I not to shave for an entire month, I would shatter mirrors and have a bubble of masculinity around me so powerful that there would be no possibility of seeing a girl, let alone talking to one.

This, sadly, seems like it could be the case for many men, so what is the solution? It is a simple one: If you are a man who grows facial hair either patchily or too quickly, boycott No Shave November.

While I have the utmost respect for those brave masculine souls who tough out the itchiness and the creepiness of facial hair unleashed, the benefits for those who can’t quite manage this feat are incredible.

One might find himself thinking, “If I shave as I normally do, and therefore look as I normally do, how does this bring me any new benefits?”

To these people I bring forth the truth that, in terms of appearance, everything is relative.

Whereas before, the lowly No Shave boycotter was an average-looking dude with well-maintained facial hair, now he is still all those things, but amongst a group of increasingly unkempt and potentially creepy looking men. Needless to say, his stock has risen.

Where before women had paid decent attention to him, now, for lack of a better option, they have little choice but to pay attention to him. A small victory? Yes, but a victory nonetheless, and one achieved very easily.

Is this saying that those who participate in No Shave November are foolish? Not at all. For he who has participated in it has gained masculine respect points beyond measure, which every man needs to maintain his image amongst his peers.

But those who do not participate, for one reason or another, are equally worthy of praise. They have gone against the grain: perhaps even shaved against the grain: and in doing so have maintained their appearance enough to provide them genuine chances with women, something many a creepy mustache could temporarily prevent, unless she’s into that kind of thing.

There is no shame in shaving in November. You can shave in November and still be a man when December comes around; its not as if you’re drinking Mike’s or something. There’s no shame in keeping the creepy mustache stowed away for another 10 years or so.