In preparation for drag fest, Lisa decided to raid Alex’s closet. While sorting through rotten towers of laundry she found a Ralph Lauren polo shirt. Holding it up, she teased Alex for buying into cultural status symbols. Alex had to admit that he had bought it “long ago” for the Polo-player insignia, thinking a girl would like it. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he likes to think she did. He and Ralph made an even exchange and he is comfortable with his contribution to our modern lust for sign-culture.

Things have gone too far, though, when brands like Ralph Lauren can convince us to buy their products for high-status prices without their high-status sign.

Ralph Lauren is now selling high-priced paint. The paint doesn’t come with rollers that paint miniature polo players on the wall. In fact, the only way any one can see that you spent too much on your walls would be if you nailed up your receipt.

This sign-less marketing trend is growing. The lucky man in charge of providing the grass for Yankee stadium has struck a deal with the team and the MLB to market rolls of “Official Yankee Sod.”   One would hope that these rolls would come pre-emblazoned with the N and Y, or at least that the grass blades would have veiny blue pinstripes on them. But no, its just grass… for Yankee prices.

How do these consumers get satisfaction out of their status-symbol purchases with no symbol of status? Is there a new homeowner out there now, showing her friends around and explaining, “Oh yes, and our kitchen has Ralph Lauren paint…”? Is there a man in New York watering his lawn, hoping that Derek Jeter will walk by so he can explain his choice of sod?

Or, more terrifying, are we so devoted to these brands that we are happier for paying too much, even without the external rewards of bragging like new friends or romances?

The first woman who dies from her Dolce & Gabbana heart transplant will deserve it.