While sipping wine and texting on their matching red blackberries, two sorority women confessed their plans to colonize Whitman.   Apparently, Whitman has been violating international Greek law (not the country) and has entirely too many girls for Whitman’s three sororities to handle.  

“If the fire department ever saw how many girls we squeeze into our chapter room, shit would go down,” said Kappa Kappa Gamma Recruitment Chair Sarah Deming.  

Pan-Hellenic chair Rachel Wallace has decided to take the matter into her own hands, forming a committee to find sororities interested in starting a chapter at Whitman, a process she refers to as “colonizing.”

“If they’re interested in colonizing us they will send us sorority propaganda,” said Wallace.  

Alex and I are intrigued by the idea of new Greeks on campus and, having scoured some sorority home pages, have concluded that will be creating a new sorority ourselves. Here are some things that set our sorority apart.

While it may be true that Delta Gamma was the first sorority to receive recognition from the American Academy of Opthalmology, our sorority will recognize that Opthamology is not a thing.  

Our sorority, whose web editors will know how to use spellchecker, will be the first to receive an award from the American Academy of Ophthalmology.  

Although Kappa Kappa Gamma embraces ancient Greek values of beauty and ethical living, Alex believes that the old apple cores sitting in his room are both ethical and beautiful. We’re strongly considering embracing them as our mascot. Like KKG, we’d probably make our deceased members return their apple cores to Headquarters (aka Alex’s closet-like room).  

Kappa Alpha Theta got all technologically advanced and decided to password protect secret documents advertised publicly on their Web site such as “How to Make Greek Great Again.” We have protected our sorority’s Web site so much that none of you can even find it. Yea that’s right, I bet you can’t find alexandlisaalphagamma.com  

However, were you to find our Web site, you would discover that instead of a “philosophy,” we have straight up rules that all members must adhere to.  

Rule One: You must travel as a pack. In order to ensure this, we have purchased brightly colored pink child leashes, similar to the ones that you might find on hyperactive children at amusement parks. These leashes should especially be worn at frat parties as certain basements offer particularly sticky floors that do not mix well with heels.

Rule Two:   All sweatshirts must carry the logo of a brand that has absolutely nothing to do with our sorority. This will ensure the confusion of the rest of the school when they look at us.

Rule Three: Everyone must wear a bangs-in-front-haircut

Rule Four: If this is your first time in a sorority, you MUST sorority. We’re making sorority a verb.  

Clearly it’s only a matter of time before we’re throwing our own formals in the basement of Macy’s. You’re welcome.