Get ready, gentlemen. I am about to bestow you with mysterious secrets of the heart that you are best advised to, after reading, stick in your pocket immediately and carry with you at all times in case the love bug ever bites hard. It starts like this: How to get a girl.
This isn’t a column aimed at only at you, Whitman boys, although it appears that you, too, have problems wooing girls without the helping hand of a 30-rack and a flirtatious game of Beirut. (Don’t get defensive. It’s very charming when you rinse the beer and dirt off the ping pong ball before handing it to us.)
No, girl troubles occur outside Whitman as well: maybe even in a worse way, because there are more boys to choose from in the real world, slimming the chances you have with the girl of your liking down considerably. I am talking about the phenomenon of attraction and what girls like (not what they SAY they like: that is different).
The overall theme? Be an asshole. I have observed with my journalistic eye countless, countless girls repeatedly sucked into the asshole web, like a moth to a flame. “I just want a nice guy,” they sob, crouched and picking pieces of their hearts off the concrete from their last emotionally abusive relationship disaster. “Where are all the nice guys?”
Oh, please. Nice guys are everywhere and so easy to find, but its not like a girl actually wants one. She just feels like she SHOULD want one: and that’s what she claims to look for: until the next pierced-eared, cigarette-smoking, tattoo-bearing asshole zips along on his motorcycle (this is me being completely stereotypical. Assholes come in all shapes and sizes, so if your mom won’t let you get tattooed, don’t worry, you still have a chance with the girl of your dreams), swoops her away so she feels the thrill of her hair whipping in the wind and drops her four blocks later like an old apple core, smattering her heart against the concrete once more. It’s the common attraction phenomenon. Poor nice guys. You all really do finish last.
But never fear; I am here to teach you in the art of asshole-isms. Read carefully. Maybe even take some notes.
When with Girl of Interest, make fun of other girls that walk by. Comment on their clothes, their legs, circle their fat in the air with your finger and smirk. This will make Girl of Interest simultaneously smug and worried. “Well, he’s not circling MY fat now, is he,” they think, which makes them feel pretty good until it occurs to them, “What happens when I walk away? What exactly does he say about me?” She thinks about this. Now she is intrigued.
Also comment on pretty girls that walk by, and specify exactly HOW hot they are: e.g., smoking-hot, fantastic ass-hot, whatever pops into your head. It has the same effect. She then looks at her own ass and tries to see if you’d say it was fantastic. Creates all sorts of levels of self-consciousness, knocking the ball and the power right into your court.
Never directly tell her she, too, is pretty. That would be poor form.
Drink beer and act belligerent. Throw tables and hit walls, especially walls right behind her head.
Never publicly dance. NEVER dance at parties. You may attend, but only if you stand on the side and make fun of everyone else. Exception: If Girl of Interest is present, you may dance, but only to grind up against whatever girl is nearest: best results come if Girl of Interest is in direct view of this.
Never hold open doors, especially not for Girl of Interest. Or elderly people.
If you don’t have a nice thing to say, immediately say it. Say it twice, for emphasis.
Think of these as the seven steps to success.
Note: This advice applies until the age of marriage. At that time, take this advice, throw it down the garbage disposal and go back to being a nice guy the way your mother raised you. Guaranteed you’ll get a hot wife who is sick of gluing her heart together and will never cheat on you.
Ladies, stay tuned for the next week’s sequel: “How to get a Boy.”
