News flash for all you youngsters out there: Vaginas do not taste like strawberries. This may seem to some like an obvious reminder, but recent trends have me wondering. Particularly, the trend to make one’s genitals shiny and fruity-tasting.
I think sex toys are GREAT, if you’re into that sort of thing. I think women and men who want to spice it up in the bedroom should do it, by all means. But I do NOT think that spicing it up means making your junk taste like cinnamon.
The Pure Romance party held on campus recently highlighted this tendency towards masking the natural with the tasty and sparkly. A friend of mine who attended, while appreciative of the sexually liberated attitudes of the night, was disturbed by how many of the lotions, lubes, gels and oils had completely anti-vaginal tastes.
For your information, dear reader, here is a brief sample of what the modern age would like your genitals to taste. Barely Berry. Watermelon. Orange Dreamsicle. Rocky Road. Strawberries and Cream. White Chocolate Cherry (or Raspberry). Hot Apple Pie.
Ok. There appears to be some confusion here. Nothing sexual actually TASTES like hot apple pie. Maybe that scene in “American Pie”, the movie made you so uncomfortable that you missed the point. But I will break it down for you. That guy boned the pie because it FELT good. No misunderstandings about taste need apply.
The fact remains: Vaginas taste like vaginas, and penises taste like penises. This is not a bad thing. Pure Romance would have you believe there are 24 flavors better than the one your body creates. Do not believe this. DO NOT. There are zero things better than watching this amazing body we’ve all got do what it’s supposed to.
Aside from the extremely misleading taste factor to the body glitter craze is the visual aspect. Telling people they need to make themselves sparkly to be attractive is wrong. I wore sparkles to the *NSYNC concert(s) I went to so that Justin would see me from the stage and propose. This is different than lathering up so that whomever I’m with doesn’t actually have to like my vagina. He just has to like shiny things.
That’s ridiculous. Let’s revel instead, please, in what our bodies are meant to look, smell and taste like. Let’s stop putting chemicals into our most sensitive orifices in the name of beauty. It’s not pretty, it’s prepubescent. Or it’s like Mariah Carey in “Glitter.” Both of which are great, but are the opposite of sexually appealing.
If the idea of encountering the vag in its non-Orange Creamsicle glory bugs you, there are one million things to do with your partner that aren’t genital-centric. For example, nipples. I once wrote an entire poem dedicated to how girls should pay more attention to their nipples. Another day, another column. For now, if you can’t get into the way your partner’s naughty bits taste, you’re maybe not ready to bring them into the fray. And that’s cool. In my opinion, taking the time to appreciate how unlike anything else in the WORLD penises and vaginas are is way cooler than only liking them because they taste like Christmas at Grandma’s.
Yeah, that’s right. I brought Grandma into it. Have fun with the Apple Pie flavor NOW.
So take your time. Play with your lovely lady parts because of what they are. They are: not at all reminiscent of desserts (except in how much they should be enjoyed). They are: totally unique to you. They are: better than chemicals, and prettier without sparkles. And everyone who sees them should agree wholeheartedly.
