This column is almost too easy. I mean, come on, Super Bowl. Make me work for it. This was the kind of column where as I was doing the research for it, I laughed out loud. My job was done for me before I even sat down to write. So let’s dive right in, shall we?

Ninety-seven and a half million people watched the Super Bowl this year, more than any other year. Approximately one third of people who watched said they watched “only for the ads.”   That’s still more than 30 MILLION people, so these ads must be pretty incredible, right?

Wrong.

There were 27 ads aired nationally this year, with some variances regionally. But these 27 were seen by all 97.5 million people, and they each cost 2.7 million dollars for 30 seconds of airtime. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but they’re kind of a big deal.

So now let’s assume together that of this massive audience, a few were women. Hell, more than a few. Let’s say “some.” Some of this audience was female. That’s because some of the American population is female. So let’s assume again that the commercials these women were watching acknowledged their presence as American citizens and more generally as the majority of the world’s population.

Wrong a-freaking-gain.

Of these 27 ads, 16 featured no women whatsoever. NO WOMEN. That’s more than half. Are you outraged yet? I CLEARLY AM. It’s boring, it’s ignorant, it’s disrespectful. Let’s just be honest here. It’s fucked up for REAL. More than half of the world is female, but the one day of advertising seen by the most people all year felt like ignoring them altogether.

So that’s no women. Next we have the ads which featured women who had no speaking roles and who also acted in a stereotypically feminine fashion, of which there were five. Because, surprise surprise, there were no ads that had one and not the other.

One commercial featured a woman screaming bloody murder because her male companion was about to hit a squirrel with his car. This is because women love baby animals and they get all emotionally involved with them and they hate the sight of blood besides. Her male friend just looks at her like she’s insane and swerves to miss the squirrel. Fear not, Snow White lady.

Example two, of women who exist but who are worthless (America LOVES that kind!) is a Budweiser commercial. Anheuser-Busch, the owner of Bud, is the Super Bowl’s longest-running and most popular advertiser. You’d think they would have figured out how not to be sexist idiots by now. Le sigh.

Their commercial features a guy who can breathe fire because Budweiser is magical. Men get all the good tricks, you’ll notice. This is because the girl is probably drinking Mike’s Hard or some shit. She gets no fire breath. Anyway, he starts sneezing fire and she ends the commercial cowering behind a platter, with her cat on her lap. Look! Woman with animal! I see a theme!

We are up to 24 out of 27 ads now, and we’re still yet to see a female character utter a full sentence. I told you, my job is almost too easy. More than uttering a sentence, though, we are absolutely yet to see a woman with any kind of autonomy. Maybe once she has something to say, she’ll be allowed to act like a three-dimensional human being! Right?

WRONG.

We’ve got three ads left. These are the ones where women feature prominently and can almost be acknowledged for something besides breasts or screaming.

Oh no, wait. One of these commercials is about Carmen Electra. And I’m totally looking at her boobs. Plus her lines, hard-earned as they are, go like this: “Thanks!” “Whoa.” “[Giggle.]”

Good work, Carmen. It’s a fine life, carrying the feminist banner.

And that’s as good as it gets. Never, not once, does a woman appear onscreen who is a) not sexualized, b) has lines and c) has equal airtime.

Not a single time, out of 27. Almost 100 million people saw what are supposed to be the best ads America has to offer, putting women so low they probably made sandwiches for everyone on set who was actually working. I want. To set.

My computer. On fire.

This is disgusting. Truly, this should not be acceptable to a single American citizen. I’m finding the addresses for these companies. I’m hoping, among other things, that they have glass windows.