Sebastian Vera Cuevas: Good evening, Whitman Bourgeoisie! I’m your host, Sebastian Vera Cuevas, here with Aya Mahmoudi, another First Generation Working Class (FGWC) student, to discuss a pointedly disappointing topic: Whitman’s shamefully cheap tuition. In the College’s most recent scandal, they have yet to reach the target tuition of $157,233 dollars, set nearly two years ago. So, what happened to our honor, our prestige and our dignity? $75,710 is a handout, and signals that the privileged, sheltered collegiate experience Whitman once offered will disappear, leaving a flurry of intelligent, economically diverse students roaming campus grounds.

Aya Mahmoudi: As an FGWC student, I am completely disappointed in Whitman’s financial prowess. What happened to “it’s a dog eat dog world” and “money makes the world go round?” Allowing students of our socioeconomic level to simply roam the campus as if we deserve to be here or something is preposterous. I truly do not feel any weight or strain from Whitman’s financial requirements. I came here expecting to be obliterated and sent into financial ruin and was shamefully disappointed.

SVC: Beyond the lack of an authentic, aging college experience pinching pennies, it’s also just shameful. What will people think if my degree is from some cheap college in Walla Walla? We all know price determines quality, and if I’m not paying top-of-the-line prices, am I at a top-of-the-line school? Price means prestige, and frankly, I feel personally wronged by Whitman’s distasteful attempts at improving accessibility to a good post-secondary education.

AM: The biggest example of Whitman’s free hand-outs is Cleveland Commons. They have thousands of options, a selection fit for a sultan. And they’re letting in just anyone? Sebastian and I are the perfect example of Whitman’s leniency. There is no reason that two hard-working FGWC students with single-parents should ever be able to taste the exquisiteness of Chef Jon’s cooking; it’s absurd. I think we need to just have “Caviar Tuesdays” and get rid of all the other nonsensical days like “Wagyu Wednesdays.” If we’re going to have students like us roaming the halls, that’s what’s best.

SVC: That’s right, Aya. Honestly, Cleve does have far too many options. Why offer more options than there are aisles in a grocery store when the Bon App monopoly could limit us to caviar and squid ink pasta? That’s a budget well spent. It’s scandalous that we’re wasting thousands on chicken and vegetables – this isn’t Whitman School of Bodybuilding and Nutrition Sciences. I want to see smart investments, i.e. Caviar and Saffron.

AM: Yeah Sebas, I’m blown away by the amount of horrible decision making on Whitman’s behalf. I think it would be more accurate to call them mistakes instead of investments. Another ‘investment’ of Whitman’s: Reid Market. Since money isn’t everything, FGWC students should just hire their own chefs to cook for them if they’re hungry when Cleve closes, no need for Reid Market. Why in the world are there basically full-sized meals available after hours?

SVC: Agreed. In fact, forget just meals, why do we have any resources at all? The Academic Resource Center (ARC) is a ridiculous luxury, and one that defeats the purpose of pulling yourself up from your bootstraps. Have an issue? Need accommodations? Suck it up. All of that is a scam. Besides, getting accommodations nowadays is WAY too easy – only requiring detailed documentation of your disability or impairment is not enough. What about a fitness test and the useless three week waiting period we deserve? Where did the byzantine bureaucracy of old go?

AM: Mental illness is a mind game that has been blown way out of proportion and the ARC is just funneling money into a pyramid scheme. Stop asking for accommodations and start accommodating. Depressed? No, you just need to do your work. It’s important that you do your assignments so you can graduate ON TIME. On the topic of accessibility, why are we even walking the span of this terrain of a campus? Golf carts should be provided to all the students to get around campus. If Whitman is going to use their money for dumb stuff, might as well help a little while doing it. If they’re going to treat peasants like us as if we’re royalty we might as well get the full perks. Making us slave away simply to get to our classes simply doesn’t align with the royal treatment we get with Cleve and Reid.

SVC: Exactly, Aya. Frankly, it’s cruel and unusual punishment, and a borderline constitutional violation, to expect students on campus to walk the full length of this incredibly vast campus, and the suggestion that we do so is insulting. Why are we spending money on financial aid and student opportunities? I like your suggestion much better.

AM: Low-key, it’s giving me second-hand embarrassment just thinking about the way Whitman is so liberal about treating the poor students. Good character doesn’t come from having everything given to you, it’s made by working hard. Us FGWC students shouldn’t even have the time to have hobbies, we should be working for our place here, right, Sebas?

SVC: Without a doubt, Aya. It’s high time we get the struggle we deserve. I dream of a sensible future where legacy admissions and nepotism are the law of the land, and financial aid is an embarrassing but long forgotten part of our history.