Ah, campus sofas—the unspoken horror of student lounges. These couches have seen more than you could ever imagine. So let’s explore the fabric of their character.
- The Mystery Moist Spot
This stain defies science. It’s eternally damp, no matter the weather. Did someone spill kombucha? Is the scoby now forever an organic component of this sofa? Either way, don’t sit here unless your tetanus shot is up to date.
- Coffee? Or Blood?
A dark brown splatter that’s either someone’s desperate 1 a.m. caffeine accident or evidence of a botched pre-med anatomy project. Who knows? All I know is that I am staying the fuck away from it.
- Glitter Explosion
Left behind by an overenthusiastic theater kid or a craft night gone rogue. Congratulations, you’ll now be sparkling for the rest of your natural life after sitting here.
- The Spaghetti Apocalypse
Red sauce everywhere, yet no visible noodles. Messy breakup or just freshman behavior? Either way, this stain smells vaguely of oregano and bad decisions.
- The Crusty White Smudge
Yeah. We all know what you’re thinking. And you’re right: someone probably spilled some milk on this hidden, corner couch in Penrose. What did you think it was? (Oh, that? Also possible. This is a campus couch, after all and the Whitman Challenge is a thing).
- The Indecipherable Smear
It’s green. Or maybe yellow? You could swab it for clues, but some mysteries are better left unsolved.
- Beer-Bong Memorial Dribble
This one smells like a frat house basement and regret. Sticky to the touch and suspiciously located near a suspicious dent in the wall. Did someone use the couch as a Slip ‘N Slide? Probably, just hoping no Vaseline was involved.
- The Ink Blob
What begins as a broken pen ends as a Jackson Pollock tribute. At least this one’s an actual accident, unlike whatever’s going on with the crusty white smudge. And NO, I wouldn’t bring a black light near it.
