Conflict, Climate Change, Economic Downturns, the Election, Prejudice, On-site Office Work, Rude Drivers and Pineapple on Pizza. All these and more are reasons as to why the world, to put simply, kinda sucks right now. While many are more than willing to fight for a better tomorrow, it can be a lot for most people, which is why we have been seeing a great up-turn of a philosophical belief emerging globally that has become known as “Goblinism”.

Goblinism is the belief that in this modern age, where stress is high and relief is low, one must become a goblin. What this means for a person varies, but in most cases to be a goblin is to let the regular social norms fall off and take upon a life of simplistic wants and needs. An optional requirement for Goblinism is, of course, painting yourself with green paint and collecting piles of gold coins, usually chocolate coins.

The Wire has gone around Whitman and found two different followers of Goblinism, asking them what their experiences are like now.

“I started this week just sadly laying in my bed, left with no energy to even finish my assignment,” one Goblinist student said. “Now I am happily collecting acorns in my blanket fort, singing the ancient songs of the earth. Still haven’t turned in my assignment yet though, I may need to get my squirrel friend to do it.”

The second Goblinist student gave little insights for us to share and was generally unresponsive during our interview, opting to throw toothpicks from their tree fort instead of answering questions. We wish them the best in their new life up in the trees.

This movement and similar beliefs hold connections to the desire to be free from the strains of modernity and to just live the life one wants. However, Goblinism and these other beliefs, such as the “Elf Lifestyle” and “Wizardmaxing”, are also supposedly connected to the return of the Dark Lord Sauron, and thus the one ring to rule them all. But, given how this is a response to bad things, I think we could use some changes like this.