I am Arham Prime. Gone is the simple time when I was just humble Arham; in his place stands a being of unparalleled self-regard, forged by weeks of Adderall and Redbull cocktails. Yes, there in the dingy basement of Beta, I underwent a metamorphosis that would forever change the lives of everyone around me. But what began as a joke—a whisper of ego among friends—soon spiraled into something far more powerful. I realized that my destiny was far too grand for this world, let alone this college. 

Why jog on a treadmill when I can run laps around your intellect? Why lift weights when I can lift your spirits with my impeccable wit and mere existence? In that moment, I transcended the limitations of the ordinary and became something greater, something none of you could truly comprehend: Arham Prime.

As Arham Prime, I roam this campus not as a student, but as an icon, an inevitable force. 

When I enter Reid, I don’t just walk— I saunter as if the very air rearranges itself to accommodate my presence. My words are not “opinions”, but declarations; my every smirk is a masterclass in irony. In class, I don’t participate, I enlighten; my every monologue is a sermon of life lessons. When I join group projects, it’s not to share ideas but to bless my teammates with the privilege of working under my superior direction. 

Some may whisper, “Has he changed?”, but know this: I have only awakened. My every glance now carries a silent judgment; every joke is like lasagna, with layers you may never fully appreciate. I am here to inspire awe, instill fear and to remind everyone that greatness walks among them. 

Yes, Whitman, I am now Arham Prime, conqueror of triviality and master of misplaced confidence. I am a force, a movement, a Femininomenon*. So yes, call me arrogant. Call me a fool. Call me whatever you want. Just don’t forget to call me Arham Prime.

*Editor’s note: Please see “misplaced confidence” as an explanation for this comment.