Aries: That 8 a.m. philosophy class was never going to work. It’s time to accept that neither Kant nor caffeine can save you now. Drop it before you start muttering “Metaphysics is a Dark Ocean?” in line at Taco Bell at 3 a.m. 

Taurus: You’ve already skipped three labs. Sure, the syllabus says attendance isn’t mandatory, but the look in your TA’s eyes suggests otherwise. Do yourself a favor and cut your losses.

Gemini: Your mind is a maze. One day you’re passionate about microbiology, the next you’re Googling “how to join a circus.” Commitment isn’t your strength (your ex can testify to this). Drop at least one class before you accidentally major in general indecision.

Cancer: You’ve convinced yourself that “only five more all-nighters” will get you through OChem. It won’t, sweetie. Hit the drop button and reclaim some sanity—and maybe shower for once.

Leo: You took French because you thought it’d make you sound sexy. But now your only fluency is in existential dread… Parlez-vous “withdrawal slip”?

Libra: You signed up for way too many courses, trying to “keep your options open.” Now you’re wondering if you can minor in stress. Pick one and reward yourself with a nap or three.

Scorpio: You thought the professor’s “hands-off teaching style” meant fewer assignments. It really means nobody knows what’s going on—including you. Drop the class before your GPA needs a priest.

Sagittarius: You’re adventurous, but taking four 300-level classes in one semester? That’s just self-sabotage. Drop one and use that free time to go outside and touch some grass.

Capricorn: Your plan to “grind it out” sounds cute until you realize you haven’t eaten a vegetable since midterms. Drop the class and remember: burnout isn’t a personality trait.

Pisces: You’re still telling yourself “I just need to get through this week,” but it’s been three weeks, and the syllabus looks like a ransom note. Save yourself. Sadness isn’t sexy.

And there you go, folks. I have decided not to do Horoscopes this week for Aquarius and Virgo. Why? Because I can do as I please. See you next week!