From: Arham Khan [email protected]

to: literally every listserv

Cc: any upcoming listservs 

Dear [Insert Whatever Group This Is],

Please get me off this listserv. Please. I beg you. For the love of God and all that is holy, take me off your listserv. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know what choices in life led me to receiving emails about events I will never attend, meetings I will never remember and Google Docs I will never open. Did you force me into signing up while in line at Cleve? If so, I’m sorry. I’ve grown as a person. Please let me go. 

I tried marking you as spam, but Gmail is no help—your emails keep sliding right back in, like an ex who promises they’ve changed. They haven’t. You haven’t. Please. I don’t care about general body meetings. I don’t want to join your Discord. I can’t donate to your fundraiser, no matter how many matching donors you have. I will never bring snacks to your forced bonding time. I don’t care about no ‘Surprise’. I will never come to your icebreaker night. I don’t even know how to “RSVP yes or no via Doodle.” What is a Doodle?

Fine. That’s it. You are relentless. You win. I’ll come to one event if you promise—swear on your grandmother’s life—that you’ll let me leave after. I’ll bring baked goods. I’ll volunteer to take notes. Hell, I’ll join your club. Just take me off this listserv. Please. I’ll do anything.

Honestly, I’m considering dropping out of college just to make it stop. Maybe they don’t have email lists in the wilderness– Is this how people become hermits?

If you have any compassion, please get me off this listserv. Or give me a break. A week—just one glorious week with no reminders, no meeting links, no midnight update notifications.

But really, just take me off. I’m tired. 

Sincerely,

Arham ‘take me off your fucking listserv’ Khan