For years, Walmart has fulfilled a cultural niche of being the store where you can get anything for cheap as long as you are willing to submit to the experience of spending time in a place utterly hostile to human life. Ever wondered why it’s so hard to find something? It’s not just you, the entire store is laid out to be as counterintuitive as possible. It’s part of the business model.
However, in the modern age of GPS and satellite navigation, Walmarts across the globe have encountered a problem. People who can access GPS on their phones find it far too easy to navigate the store and find their way out again. While some stores have tried to come up with various solutions such as ordering all products according to a numbering system only Walmart employees know, nothing has managed to curtail the decreasing time customers spend in the store. Customers get out too easily. However, the College Place Walmart may have recently come up with an innovative new solution.
In a recent press release, the College Place Walmart announced that they are considering adding a labyrinth to the store.
“The store has already been compared to a labyrinth in the past,” a spokesperson said, “so we figured why not go for it.”
While the planning is still in the early stages, proposed elements include: swapping out the aisles for uneven length and width tunnels, adding dead ends, removing the grid layout and adding obstacles such as spike pits.
The architects hired to design the potential changes say they are “having a blast!”
One representative said that they’re hoping to find a way of making items move around when people aren’t looking at them, but that appears to be one of the ideas already vetoed by the engineers.
When asked for comment on the likelihood of this change taking place, the regional manager responded, “It largely depends on whether or not we can find a way to make the whole thing ADA-compliant.”
Editors Note 10/28: This article is in the humor section. None of these sources or press releases are real. Walmart is not changing their layout.
Louise Boyer • Oct 24, 2024 at 8:27 pm
What a stupid idea. The store is too big as it is. Leave it alone.
William Shoemaker • Oct 24, 2024 at 5:55 pm
I suspect they think there will be customers who fail to find their way out of the labyrinth, which leads them to but things for survival. Of course, a pathway to the restrooms will need to be clearly accessible. Employees will need to be trained in giving false directions that are believable. With so many corners, Walmart could literally corner the market!