Well, folks, it’s official: Cleveland Commons has rolled out a new vegan option, and like the rest of us during O-Week, it’s trying its best. And failing. Miserably.

Now, I’m not saying that Cleveland’s regular dining options are soul-crushing, but I did once see a guy cry into his sandwich (said guy might’ve been me).  So, when they announced a new vegan option, I thought “Maybe this is the moment we turn things around.” I was wrong.

So, what is this new option, you ask? A delightful concoction of sadness, lightly seasoned with disappointment. The dish itself is an unseasoned tofu patty—because God forbid we use something that has actual flavor—perched precariously on a whole wheat bun that is so dry it could double as a CS major’s love life (self-deprecating humor is sexy, folks). 

But that’s not all! Cleveland knows that we can’t just live on tofu and broken dreams, so they threw in some kale. But not the TikTok kind of kale that makes you feel healthy. No, this kale had the taste of pure spite, and was possibly watered with the tears of midterms past. It’s like they wanted to remind us that life is an endless series of disappointments, and here’s your free sample. 

The first bite? Bland. The second bite? Somehow blander. By the third bite, I’m questioning if my tongue still works or if my taste buds are staging a protest. The flavor profile is the edible embodiment of a group project where no one shows up, and you’re left doing everything. Alone. Again. In Cleveland’s defense, I can tell they tried to make it fancy. There was an attempt at a vegan aioli, but it tasted like someone whispered the word “garlic” to a jar of mayonnaise from three blocks away

In conclusion: Cleveland, I applaud your effort, but this new vegan option is like the paper I wrote last night at 1 a.m.— passable, but only because we’re too tired to care. 

Bon appétit, Whitman. Try not to cry into your sandwich.