On a brisk October evening in the quaint old town of Walla Walla, Richard Queersley sits at home and ponders his recent decision. He is anxious about what is to come, but he knows that there is no going back. After months of contemplation and countless meetings with local witch doctors, Mr. Queersley has ultimately chosen to become a homosexual.

This turn of events comes as a surprise to many of Mr. Queersley’s friends and family members, but he insists that it was his best course of action. As he explains, “I was at the farmer’s market last fall when I accidentally brushed up against a homosexual. Now, I’ve heard how this works. Since I touched one, I’ll become one too soon enough. I figured I would save my dignity and just make the transformation myself. It’s like quitting before you get fired.” When asked to clarify how he knew the man at the farmer’s market was gay, Mr. Queersley remarked that he had seen him on Grindr.

The change will not occur immediately, however, because anyone who has applied for a sexuality adjustment must then await the arrival of the Gay Agenda Council (GAC) for a final blessing. Until then, Mr. Queersley will be busy barricading his house in anticipation of the pitchfork-wielding angry mob.