It truly is astounding who they’ll let run a paper these days. Wasn’t Martin Shkreli in charge of The Tribune for a while there? Believe me, the Producer and Editor-in-Chief of The Wire are no better – whether it’s putting prices on their pharmaceuticals or publishing fucking gossip under the label “news.”

Martina is from Nobodycares, Colorado. She began her life as a single-cell organism, whose only purpose is to be a single-cell organism. Once, someone said the word ‘angst’ to her, and she entered her multi-cell phase with a prepubescent groan, the phase that we see her in today.

When she’s not working on the newspaper, Martina suffers for her art (YouTube videos or something) and tattoos herself with quotes about spaghetti. A charmed life, I’m sure.

Martina also enjoys long walks on the beach, crying with her mouth completely open and tasting the finer things in life (e.g. margaritas with beer mixed in).

On the newspaper, Martina serves as the Glorified-Proofreader-in-Chief, certifying that this gossip rag is “factually accurate” or whatever the fuck.

Tywen, on the other hand, is from a suburb of San Francisco (he’s too good for Frisco apparently) where he spies on people with his drone and hopes that no one shoots it down.

Besides driving a crappy-enough-to-be-trendy Jeep, Tywen enjoys riding his bicycle (so California), taking photos of people with his drone (so drone) and eating fish he catches with his bare hands in the river (so Tywen).

Tywen serves as the Publisher of the newspaper, a job that really has no definition – leading to the delusion of power. Most of the time, we hand Tywen some crayons so he can color in the black-and-white pages.

Here’s to you, leaders of the newspaper! We follow your every move and leave every meeting more confused than before. Also, when are we getting paid?