Why One Local Voter Believes Hoverboards are the Most Pressing Issue in America

Winston Weigand, Gamer Girl

Three decades ago, the hoverboard was a relatively new and very exciting concept, first popularized by the “Back to the Future” film series. Although fictional, the thought of mounting this levitating board and zooming around town has captivated many since its emergence. Nowadays, the term refers to an expensive plastic toy that cool boys like to ride around on and pick up fine honeys with–and it doesn’t even hover.

To some, however, the original notion of a levitating transportation device and all of its promised features are not a lost cause. One Walla Walla man, Tebin Hegeman, has been regularly advocating for the creation of real-life hoverboards since at least 2003.

Hoverboards, he argues, are the single most important topic in America’s political climate today–yet no one seems to be talking about them. “Global warming? No. Women’s rights? Nuh-uh. The war with ISIS? Get out of town. These issues PALE in comparison to what I’m fighting for here. But they all have one thing in common: they could all be solved with some goddamn hoverboards.”

When asked to clarify his position, Hegeman replied, “Just think about it. HOVERING to the grocery store. HOVERING to your parole meetings. HOVERING to your grandmother’s casket. I’m quakin’ in my Carhartt™ workpants just imagining it.” Hegeman, also a prominent flat-earther, explains that spreading a message is easy, so long as you have a penis and can yell a lot. He hopes to visit NASA’s headquarters in Washington D.C. to raise awareness of hoverboards in the near future.