Penrose Library, with its crystalline windows and its vast collection of texts, has long been hailed as the heart and soul of Whitman College’s campus. Thousands of students have passed through its doors at one time or another, excited to utilize the many different resources that it boasts.

However, in recent years, subtle conversation over the Library’s goodness and purity has emerged. In fact, as of 2017, Whitman College’s Administration has begun a full-blown investigation in order to put an end to the scandal.

The scandal? Library hookups.

In a recent study conducted by someone who claims they took a Psych Stats class, it was revealed that 116 percent of Whitman Students have hooked up in the library at least once or twice. During one of the study’s interviews with a student, the student admitted that she had hugged her friend once in the back of the third floor.

“Yeah, it was just a quick embrace. I was thanking her for returning my new Birken-Crocs that she had borrowed. What are you writing down?” the student stated.

Some of the most common hookup-spots uncovered by the study include “The Boob Tube,” “Sausage Storage,” and the Tech Desk. When a Tech Desk employee was asked to confirm or deny these allegations, he responded that he was very busy fixing a printer that had been broken for the past 12 years.

Regardless of the study’s results, however, the Administration will be pushing forward with its involvement. Under the leadership of Hewly Junn, this investigation hopes to unearth the most engaged culprits and halt their activity. The means of doing so, the College admits, may be controversial.

One bystander reported seeing Hewly Junn chasing multiple students through the library with an industrial-grade fire hose, spraying them vigorously and ruining thousands of books in the process.

During a conversation with Hewly Junn, Junn stated that the freezing-cold hose water not only frightens the perpetrators into ceasing their activity, but also marks them for subsequent identification. The next step, Junn claims, involves the installment of U.S. military turrets. These turrets can detect ‘naughty’ behavior, and are built to rapidly discharge ‘safe sex’ pamphlets that are covered in a thick adhesive.

Until the Administration’s project is finished, Penrose Library will remain an officially-declared war zone.