In a move to emphasize Whitman’s commitment to cultural inclusion on campus, Bon App will now be offering a new “taste of Pyongyang” option at Reid Coffeehouse. Whitman College prides itself on offering a culturally rich and extensive range of foods, so it was only a matter of time until the North Korean capital city’s cuisine was added to the mix.

“The whole taste of India and Sicily thing was just getting a little old,” Bon App executive chef Jim Cooley offered. “It’s time our company gets back to our real roots; good ol’ fashioned authoritarian cooking.”

The biggest difference from previous Reid dinners will be the experience of the meal itself. In an effort to make it as realistic and traditional as possible, taste of Pyongyang will actually offer no food whatsoever. Fortunately, the multicultural fun does not end there–Reid employees will also enforce a strict zero tolerance policy towards any criticism of the event, so make sure to arrive with an abundance of senseless praise.

“I can only hope that as students leave Reid hungry, confused and critical of the institutional flaws of Whitman College, they might for that moment relate to the everyday woes of the North Korean Citizen. Thankfully, the event is only a short goose step across campus, so all students should be able to come,” smiled Cooley. “What a truly beautiful experience for us all.”

Undisclosed sources also indicate that Kath Murray II will make an appearance on the opening night, kicking off the event by arbitrarily condemning random student passerby to semester long forced work services in the basement of memorial.

When asked whether this whole event was a ploy to avoid dealing with the real issues facing the campus today, Supreme Leader Murray emphasized that this community, better known as the Workers Party of Whitman College, can only survive as long its brothers and sisters labor towards a collective goal: liberal arts hegemony. “It is only through the complete academic, athletic and spiritual domination of other schools like Whitworth that our great way of life can persevere. Now go back to class and don’t ask any more questions.”

***This article is purely satire and meant for the humor page***