Dad Lives Vicariously Through Coaching Son’s Little League Team


Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor

WALLA WALLA – Local father Normand Mathis is gearing up to coach another season of his son’s Little League baseball team once spring arrives. Although the Tadpoles had a dodgy record last year–winning only a single game due to disqualification, Mathis is confident that this season holds real promise.

Sporting a pair of Oakley sunglasses on top of a backward visor, Mathis exclaimed that there is “great new talent coming in, and all our returners are due for a big year. Take Georgie for example–he might have struck out 43 consecutive times last season and chased more butterflies than baseballs in centerfield, but his plate discipline and overall game IQ only improved throughout the course of the year.”

“I have so much belief in these kids–with some hard work and determination, they can accomplish anything,” continued Mathis. “You know, my dad wasn’t always there for me to toss the ball around in the backyard or make pancakes on Saturdays, but I can make up for that now. This brief window that I have to emotionally leach off my son’s athletic success and reap the sick emotional rewards of winning games played by adolescent kids is truly an invaluable opportunity.”

When asked to comment, Mathis’s son Jimmy made clear that he “fucking hated everything about the god-awful game of baseball,” and is reportedly enjoying every second of time off before his control freak of a dad tries to “Black Swan the hell out of me again.”

Fellow teammate Tommy Johnson shared similar sentiments, noting that although he morally opposed drugs of any kind, the mind numbing role of backup first baseman was making him “seriously consider” huffing glue behind old man Crawford’s junkyard with the eighth graders.

Short-stop Travis Young merely nodded, adding that the only silver lining was that the tall grass in left field made playing Pokémon GO during games a lot more fun.

An oblivious and teary-eyed coach Mathis barely held himself together through the rest of the interview, mumbling about how much the game meant to him and the boys and that he would ensure they win the title, whether that means practicing four, five or six times a week. “When the dust clears and my boys victoriously wipe the sweat from their brows, knowing they poured their heart and soul into the beautiful game, they’ll know it was all worth it.”

As the interview concluded, Jimmy and some fellow teammates could be seen in the distance performing some type of improvised rain dance, calling on the Gods to wash away the baseball fields and praying that coach Mathis might find a new life passion other than baseball.