Pros and Cons of a Paul Ryan Speakership

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor editor

Following the resignation of House Speaker John Boehner last month, the Republican Party majority in the House named Representative Paul Ryan as Boehner’s successor. New Speaker Ryan, the GOP Vice Presidential candidate in 2012 and a noted Ayn Rand aficionado, began his new role last week. Here’s a helpful pros and cons list to understand the Paul Ryan era, courtesy of your friends at the Backpage:


  • P90X sales are already through the roof.
  • The Speaker’s gavel has been replaced by barbell – gotta keep yourself looking good.
  • H.R. 1776 is expected to pass a floor vote: The bill requires all poor people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, but does not appropriate any funds for the requisite boots. This is America, after all, c’mon now.
  • Speaking of Ayn Rand, all Common Core curricula will be redesigned to focus on “Atlas Shrugged,” the greatest text ever written.
  • Those pesky poor people won’t be so coddled by federal tax code anymore – it’s time they paid their fair share, dammit.
  • A man who believes that “rape is just another method of conception” is just two heartbeats away from the presidency
  • America now has a Speaker who is almost as handsome as Justin Trudeau…almost.
  • The Capitol building is noticeably less orange, for some reason.
  • Maybe now we can finally abolish that darn Obamacare once and for all.
  • C-SPAN experiences a spike in viewership among key tween girl demographic.
  • Finally, conservative white males will have some meaningful representation of their voices in Congress.
  • Extensive funds to be appropriated for the development of a super-microscope, in order to see the government that Ryan plans to create.
  • 9/10 dentists recommend Ryan’s oral hygiene. The other one knows you can’t afford dental insurance.


  • Don’t be silly, there are no cons! America  #1!!!! Go USA!