Despite being a liberal arts college that supposedly values the unique contributions of all disciplines, Whitman students know that there is a well-established hierarchy amongst the various majors of our college. On the bottom floor are our friends over in Division II, majoring in Rhetoric Studies and Art History–the people who lie about their degree at Thanksgiving so that they don’t have to explain to their crotchety WWII-veteran grandpa that  “German Studies” is not in fact equivalent to becoming a fascist. As we ascend upwards, we pass the floors of History, Politics, Psychology, and Geology. Finally we reach the penthouse, which holds your Physics and your Chemistry and your Math. And then from the penthouse you can step onto a small transporter pad which will magically teleport you to a platform floating high above the Earth, suspended by nothing but the grace of God and the inflated heads of its disciples: the realm of BBMB.  

It is a well-accepted fact at Whitman College that BBMB is by far the best major. This is recognized by everyone, from students to staff to faculty. When BBMB majors declare their major, they not only receive the standard “I Declared” sticker, but also a diamond-studded crown. This is useful as non-BBMB majors will know that they need to start groveling before they begin talking to a BBMB major.

When discussing college majors, there are several appropriate responses when someone tells you that they are majoring in BBMB. The first is to grimace sympathetically and pat them on the shoulder, murmuring “I’m sorry.” Not only does this indicate your acknowledgement of their path of struggle, but it will also make them feel like a martyr. This is one of the great joys of BBMB. Another good response is to simply gasp and say, “You must be SO smart!” Even if you imbue this statement with mild to moderate sarcasm, BBMB majors will not notice as they are used to being fawned over. Once you are a BBMB major, it does not matter if you get As or Ds because declaring BBMB instantly marks you as one of the smartest, most flawless people on campus. Even if you get bad grades, it’s just because your classes are actually hard, as opposed to the rest of the useless trash offered at Whitman. To be honest, if you’re not a BBMB major you may as well be majoring in underwater basket-weaving for all the use it will bring you.

The benefits of studying BBMB are endless. You have the satisfaction of sounding incredibly intellectual when you tell people that your major is “Biochemistry, Biophysics, AND Molecular Biology.” Wow. With all those words how could you not be a genius? But that’s not all: The miserable years spent taking required classes that you don’t want to, dealing with horrible visiting professors, failing your writtens, and stressing about medical school will help to convince you that your education is worthwhile. Struggling to stay afloat is a clear indicator of a valuable college experience.

Most importantly, if you ever interact with a BBMB major, be sure to indicate shame that you are enjoying your path of study. After all, what’s the value of 50,000 dollars a year if you spend it doing something that you actually enjoy?