Attention all sick and injured Whitties! School administrators announced this morning that they will be closing the Welty Health Center, effective immediately. In its place, Tamarac House will now be treating all medical problems on campus.

The closure of the Health Center is reportedly due to the high number of students in Tamarac with a WFR certification. WFR – Wilderness First Responder – trains students in procedures necessary for saving lives in the outdoors. Because of the vast WFR-readiness of Tamarac, the administration felt that the existing Health Center was simply unnecessary.

Whitman boasts an impressive WFR to Student ratio of 2:1, and in Tamarac, that figure is even higher.

“Who needs doctors and nurses when you have a whole building full of students who’ve completed a two-week crash course in basic wilderness first aid?” said Dean of Students Cluck Cheveland. Noting that Walla Walla still has a hospital if “things get really bad.” Cheveland added, “The students in Tamarac are eager to practice their skills, and the school won’t have to pay those pesky desks, so this is pretty much a win-win for all involved.”

The Pioneer decided to give Tamarac a visit to see how the new system would work. Sophomore Milly Wendelsohn answered the door. In one hand, he held a thick coil of medical tape; in the other, a small binder full of instructions that he received during his WFR course.

“Does somebody need a WFR?” asked an excited Wendelsohn. Upon hearing his words, six other Tamarac residents rushed downstairs. Out of breath, they began chattering amongst themselves about “stabilizing the C-spine”, as well as the best way to tape an ankle.

Like the Welty Health Center, services will be available in Tamarac 24/7.

“Just knock on the door anytime, and one of our qualified residents will be with you faster than you can say ‘Please take me to a hospital instead!’” Wendelsohn promised.

Anticipating the success of the Tamarac plan, Whitman may also begin allowing BBMB majors to issue prescriptions and perform surgeries. As Dean Cheveland put it, “They’re basically doctors anyways.”